THIS FILM IS A HORROR
SCREENPLAY BY LEON TCHAIKOVSKY
19TH CENTURY WOLF
208 North Street
Harrisburg, Pa. 17101-1124
United States of America
Other screenplays by Leon Tchaikovsky:
ROTFL WITH BOB
TRIALS OF A 58 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
OUR MAINE GUY
REACH FOR THE SKY
THE SIXTH DIMENSION
THE LAST SOLDIER TO DIE
MY SHORTS ARE SHOWING
LIKE KISSING MY SISTER
PLAY BY DOZENS
INT. MAIN ROOM. HERE’S JOHNNY - DAY
BOB, an African American late teenager wearing a red shirt, TED an athletic caucasian late teenager,, CAROL, a sensuous blonde late teenager, and ALICE, a very modestly dressed Asian American late teenager, enter a store with a sign reading “Here’s Johnny Country Store and Stock Brokerage” above the counter.
MICHAEL MYERSON sits behind the counter with a cash register cleaning a rifle. He wears several pistols and hand grenades.
The teenagers admire several animal heads in the front room.
INT. SALES ROOM. HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Bob wanders through the sales room behind the front room. Bob sees the back of the animals whose head is displayed in the front room is in the back room. Bob is visibly startled. Bob jumps back into the front room.
INT. MAIN ROOM. HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Hello. I am Ted. Excuse me, sir.
Are you Johnny?
Michael points to three doors reading “Male”, “Female”, and “Castrato”.
There are the johnnies.
I mean, is your name Johnny?
No, I am Michael Myerson. Johnny
died seven years ago, on this date.
They say his spirit rises once a year
on the anniversary on his death and
he kills four teenagers.
Woo hoo! That gives me a one in
four chance of making cheerleading
You do not believe this legend, do
Of course not. There are no such
things as ghosts. Are you crazy?
See, we have nothing to worry about.
No, I just think the uncaught killer
uses the myth as an excuse for
getting away with, let’s see, five
years times four murders a year,
add the one year he only killed
two teenagers, he’s not perfect,
carry the one, eighteen murders.
Alice shoots an annoyed face at Ted at Michael’s bad math.
Do you have any thoughts on who
commits these murders?
No. Most people think is it me. Yet
I think I am just the foil that makes
people think I am the killer. No, I
just like to watch things suffer,
watch them take their last breath,
it really is like a runner’s high...
Yeah, man, I know what you mean...
Carol shoots a disgusted face at Ted.
I mean the runner’s high. Nor the
But watching something die with
its sleek warm body becoming still.
It may be a beautiful sight, but
it is not what I am into.
Bob admires an autographed photograph of Larry Thomas as Osma Bin Laden. Bob reads the inscription.
To my good friend, Johnny...
Hey, is this a signed photograph
of Osama Bin Laden?
No, that’s a signed photograph
of the actor, Larry Thomas. He
portrayed Osama Bin Laden
in a movie.
Bob looks at the photograph beside the Larry Thomas photograph. Bob looks at a photograph of a man in a Nazi uniform.
Is this a photograph of another actor?
No, that’s my high school graduation
You sell any booze?
Yeah, in the room to your left.
Carol turns to her right and walks a few steps.
Ted grabs Carol. Carol turns her around towards the side room.
Carol walks towards the side room.
INT. SIDE ROOM, HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Carol walks into a third room. Carol sees several people tied and gagged hanging from the ceiling.
MARY POPPIN, dressed in a black leather dominatrix outfit, runs from her office into the third room.
Bob, Ted, and Alice run into the third room.
Sorry to started, you. I am Mary Poppin,
I am a dominatrix, and these are my clients.
Ted walks up to Mary and offers his hand.
Mary shakes Ted’s hand.
Ted looks approvingly at Mary.
Carol walks over to a section of the room labeled “Spirits”.
Hi, I am Ted. This is Bob, Carol, and
Alice. So, Mary, do you have a boyfriend?
I am Michael’s wife.
Just asking. But, hey, you know, when
the passion dies out, give me a call, OK?
I love your dress. Is it Versace?
So, Mary, you seem to be into giving pain.
Do you have any thoughts on who could
have killed sixteen...
Alice turns and shouts towards the room where Michael is.
You do appear to like giving out pain.
Nah, I hate that. I despise my work.
I only do it for the money. Pays better
than my previous job.
What was that?
I was a television network programmer.
If you want to talk about giving out real
pain to a lot of people....
Hey! All you have for sale is rum.
There is RIpple for Bob.
You think just because I am Black
I want RIpple?
No, I am observing there is a bottle
of Ripple in your back pocket.
Bob sheepishly removes the bottle of ripple.
I left my Courvoisier in the car.
All this rum is colored red.
Sorry, all we have left is redrum.
Carol turns away so others can’t see her. Carol puts a bottle of redrum inside the front of her pants.
Do you know how to get to the last house of the
left on Elm Street?
Ah, yeah, you go onto Elm Street and continue
until you get to the last house on the left side
of the street.
I mean, we are not from here. How do we
find this house?
You can walk from here. There is a brick
road that takes you there.
Yes, but it is snowing outside. How can
we spot where a brick road is?
Oh, people walk their dogs on it all
the time. You should be able to see it.
So, we should follow the yellow
Ted looks at Bob confused.
Oh, come on, You’ll get it in the
middle of the night.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice walk into the front room.
INT. MAIN ROOM HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Ted looks at the bulging bottle in the crotch of Carol’s pants.
Wow, I never knew females got
so happy to see me.
Don’t forget when you get to the
house to click your heels together
And, what? That will get us to
No, it’s a good way to get all that
snow off your feet...which you tracked
all over my store.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice exit the store.
Mary walks into the main room.
One of those kids shoplifted a bottle
Michael takes practice aim with his rifle.
You don’t say? Well, I’ll make them
pay, don’t you worry.
Michel laughs fiendishly.
EXT. SNOWY HILL - LATER - DAY
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice walks uphill in a snowstorm. They follow a urine stained line.
The hill gets steeper and steeper with every step.
Oh, yellow brick road. Now I get it.
Isn’t this crazy, walking in a snowstorm
to try and solve 18 murder mysteries
that even the FBI can’t solve?
I am going to use my scientific skills to
discover the killer.
Why did you bring me along?
Ted, I need your athletic skills. You
may have defend us in case the
killer attacks us.
But what if the killer kills me?
Oh, don’t worry. I’ll post a photo on
Instagram of you getting killed.
Then everyone will know who the
Why did you bring me along?
You are like the painted pin up
women on the sides of the World
War Two planes. Hopefully your
beauty will distract the killer long
What if the killer likes guys?
Then Ted will distract him while
you defend us.
Then what do you need me for?
You’re the canary.
You know, the canary. Miners used to
take a canary down mines. If the gas
was strong enough to kill the canary,
then the miners would know there is
leaking gas and they would escape
before the gas killed them.
So how am I the canary?
Everyone knows the black guy dies
Ted nudges Carol.
Yeah, and then the blonde girl dies.
Carol nudges Ted.
Yes, but the jock dies right after the
And then the killer is killed by the
virgin. Which means Alice will kill
What makes you think I’m the
virgin? Why not Carol?
Don’t look at me. Even on the
way up here, I had sex with both
Bob and Ted in the back seat,
while you were driving.
So that’s what those sounds were.
See, you’re a virgin.
Besides, I knew you were a virgin
when I saw your paintings in art
class. Your nude had a My Little
Pony where the penis was supposed
The uphill climb reaches a 90 degree angle.
You mean a penis does not look like
My Little Pony?
You think my penis looks like My Little
Well, come to think of it....
But my mother said that loving a man
sexually was like loving My Little Pony.
I just presumed that they looked the same.
You thought all this time those movie
and TV guys showing kids “My Little Pony”
were showing guys’ penises?
The uphill climb is now upside down.
Yes, and that was rather traumatizing.
Oh come on, this climb is getting
A My Little Pony falls out of Alice’s purse towards the ground directly.
Oh, no, Alice, you just dropped your
My Little Pony.
I’ll never love again.
EXT. OUTSIDE MANSION ON ELM STREET - DAY
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice walks towards a scary looking mansion.
Bob knocks on the door.
IGOR MICHAEL, a hunchback holding a candle, answers the door.
Welcome. We are always looking...
for fresh blood.
I...ah...thought we would be alone.
A SCREAM is heard from inside the house.
What was that?
Oh, that was just someone
who...had to view something
quite unfortunate. That happens
a lot her..
Yes. It is hard to survive these days.
Won’t you enter? We shall commence
with your viewing.
Viewing? I didn’t know we were dead,
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice enter the mansion.
INT. MANSION - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Several zombie-like people with pale skin and unchanging expressionless faces slowly walk around the room. Each emits a low groaning sound.
What have you done with these people?
These are film critics. They have just
viewed next month’s scheduled releases.
HANK SKEWERED, one of the people roaming the room moves towards Alice.
Do not enter the theaters. You have been
warmed. These films will be the death of
This is shocking. How can we warn the
Aren’t you the critics from Buzzfeed?
No...Is this the last house on the left side
of Elm Street?
No, this is the next to the last house on
the left side of Elm Street. Assuming, of
course, you face north. If you face south,
this is the next to the last house on the
right side of Elm Street.
Our bad. We have the wrong address.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice turn to leave.
Do come again. We plan on killing
several actors careers later this
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice exit into the snowy outdoors.
Too bad they left. We could have
used fresh meat. That would have
There they go, powerless and
unable to save themselves.
I believe you are right. They look
like the key market group for
next month’s awful movies.
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT OF ELM STREET - NIGHTFALL
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice stand in front a small sized modern suburban house.
The mailbox reads “Alice” with cross marks over the name “Alice.”
This is the address.
It is not scary at all.
Bob pulls out a brochure from a realtor’s box in front of the house.
Bob screams as loud as he can.
They’re asking eight hundred thousand
for this tiny place! They are out of their
Let’s go inside where it’s warm.
OK, but let me say upfront, for that
price, there better be an indoor sauna
INT. ELM STREET HOUSE RECREATION ROOM- NIGHT
Bob wears a bathing suit while sitting in the indoor whirlpool.
Ted wears a bathing suit sitting in the heated sauna next to the indoor whirlpool.
Carol sits on a pool chair next to Ted.
Alice still wears her same modest clothes.
You know, I might put a bid on this house.
Before you do, we have to figure out why it
is that eighteen people have died in this
I think they died from too much paradise.
I did consider that hypothesis but I ruled
it out. The odds of drowning in a whirlpool
after consuming copious amounts of
drugs and alcohol are too small to consider.
Something else is killing people in this
Alice, will you stop being all science-like
and relax. There is nothing to fear here.
Thunder roars. Lightning is seen outside. The house lighting goes out.
As seen through the door window, the ghostly image of ALICIA GHOSTLY, an evil looking person totally covered in white snow and icicles, appears momently down the road during the lighting flash.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice each see Alicia. Each of them scream.
Everything goes dark after the lighting strike.
A second later, there is a second lighting strike. The outdoors is illuminated momentarily by the second strike. Alicia is pressing her face against the door window.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice each scream at the sight of Alicia.
The lights come back on inside the house.
An eery screeching sound in heard.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice race towards each other and hug each other in fright as the screeching sound intensifies.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice view the mail slot on the door slowly opening as the screeching sound continues. The sound is from the mail slot opening.
Mail drops through the mail slot. A loud thud is heard when the mail hits the ground.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice scream at the sound of the thud.
Alice runs to the front door and opens it.
Alice speaks to Alicia.
You’re the mail carrier?
Of course. Neither rain, storm, or
hail shall prevent me from my duties.
But today is Sunday.
Alicia throws her mailbag onto the ground.
Crap. I could have stayed indoors
where it is warm.
Alicia picks up her mailbag.
Alicia walks away. Alicia talks to herself
Check your calendar, I tell myself.
No, don’t need to. Today has to
be Saturday, right? Yeah, well, if
you want Sunday delivery, I’d like
to see FedEx make it through this
crap storm. I’m out of here.
There is a lighting strike. For a second, everything turns completely white. When the white light is over, Alicia has disappeared.
Where did she go?
I don’t know. Maybe FedEx picked her
Well, it is getting late. Maybe we should
all get some sleep so we can be fresh
when someone tries to kill us.
Carol and I will take the first bedroom
down the hall. In case we are about
to die, we should have one last bang.
We will be loud. I hope we don’t
keep you up.
Don’t worry. I don’t even know what
that sounds like. I will just think it
is normal dorm room noise.
Ted and Carol walks towards their bedroom.
Ted and Carol enter their bedroom.
It is normal dorm room noise.
I will take the next bedroom. Bob,
you can take the one at the end of
Bob walks towards his bedroom mumbling to himself.
How come every group of white
people have only one Black
friend? Ever think of befriending
two Black people so the two of
them can have some fun of
Bob exits into his room.
INT. TED AND CAROL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Let’s do it.
Carol is behind a set of drums. Carol drums.
Ted is behind a set of drums. Ted drums.
INT. BOB’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bob’s bedroom walls are white.
Bob is on his bed mumbling to himself.
How hard is it for white people to
say, hey, let’s have a Black male
friend and also a foxy Black
Bob closes his eyes.
Bob falls asleep.
FOXY WOMBAT, a sensuous naked Black woman with long green hair floats above Bob. Her hands are behind her back.
Bob views Foxy blurred as if he is dreaming.
Oh, Bob, look who the white people
conjured from the dead.
Foxy opens her mouth to show her fangs.
Foxy brings her hands forward showing each finger has foot long sharp nails.
Foxy slashes her nails towards Bob’s throat.
Bob awakens, screams, and sits up in his bed. He is alone in the room.
Ted, Carol, and Alice runs into Bob’s bedroom.
Alice massages her neck with a vibrator.
Nothing. I just had a nightmare.
That is all. Everyone, just go
back to sleep.
Carol turns to Alice and looks at her vibrator.
Is that what I think it is?
It’s my neck massager.
No, it isn’t.
That’s what the box said.
You know you can massage
other parts of your body with
You mean, like my arms?
Alice massages her arms with the vibrator.
You know you’re going to
die a virgin, don’t you?
INT. TED’S AND CAROL’S BEDROOMS - NIGHT
Ted and Carol are naked in a bed.
If I die before you do, I want you
to still sleep with my body.
That would be...so...wrong.
Oh, no, it’s not rape if I give
you prior consent.
There is a knocking noise on the window.
Ted and Carol huddle together in fright as they look out their window.
A vague image of a stick figure in the shape of a human head with a human hand tapping on the window appears. The tapping noise increases.
Are you here to kill us, or are
you a peeping tom?
If you are a peeping tom, are
you putting any pictures of us
on Twitter, and if so, what is
your Twitter account name?
A lighting strike illuminates the outside. A tree with branches that appear to be in the shape of a human head and human hand is illuminated.
The outdoors as seen through the window is totally dark.
It is just a tree.
But...there is no tree in the yard.
A lightning strike illuminates the outdoors. The lawn is bare of any trees.
Maybe....we just imagined it.
Or, maybe the tree ran away.
You failed Biology, didn’t you?
INT. ALICE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Alice is asleep in her bed facing away from the window. Her vibrator lies on her neck.
SAMUEL OFSON, a burglar with a hood over his face, slowly open the window.
Alice’s awakens with her eyes wide open as she hears the increasing creaking of the window opening.
Samuel opens the window.
Samuel crawls through the window and enters the room.
Samuel’s footsteps can be heard.
Alice hides her head underneath her blankets.
There are no such things as ghosts.
Samuel jumps with surprise.
I thought this house was empty.
You do not exist. You are a figment
of my imagination.
That’s right. You are dreaming this.
Just go back to sleep. I am not here.
Samuel walks towards the television.
You are not there.
And while I am not here, I am
just going to take this TV.
Samuel lifts up the television and yanks the cords loose.
Samuel carries the television out the window.
INT. TED’S AND CAROL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ted is in bed with his eyes closed.
Carol sits up in bed shivering with fright.
Carol looks at the total darkness outside the window.
A lightning strike illuminates the outdoors. Samuel is seen running by carrying the television.
Ted, now the branches on the
tree that isn’t there look like a
burglar stealing a TV.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Ted, Carol, Bob, and Alice enter in the night clothes. The hair on each stands straight up.
How did everyone sleep?
Fine. Like a baby.
Me, too. I wet the bed.
You mean that wasn’t sweat?
We should get breakfast.
I’ll run back to the store.
Bob opens the door. The door is totally covered by snow. Snow falls into the house.
Maybe we’ll see what is in
the refrigerator instead.
Alice opens the refrigerator door.
Alice removes a jar with a human hand inside the jar. Alice examines the jar.
Is...is that a real human hand?
Alice removes the hand from the jar.
Alice takes a bite of the hand. Alice chews and contemplates its taste.
Yes, this is a real human hand.
Carol fights back nausea.
How would you know what humans
People taste good. I had the
opportunity to try some, and I did.
Haven’t you ever tried cannibalism?
No, I don’t smoke that stuff.
Who leaves a human hand in
I know. It should be kept in
the freezer, unless it is meant
to be used soon.
Used as what?
It could be a medical student
practicing, or a medical examiner
taking some work home, or a
psychotic killer of 18 people
left the hand behind.
Now let’s be logical. Which of
those three scenarios is the most
Bob is expressively upset.
I’m going with the psycho killer
HAN, a medical student wearing scrubs, walks in the front door.
Hi, I am Han. I rented this place
just before you and...oh, good, I
see you found my hand, I need
that for dissection practice.
Han grabs the hand from Alice,
Here you go.
Ew. Who bite off part of my
I did. It was delicious.
You know it was kept
No, I didn’t. I was trying to
place that flavor.
Han slowly walks away from Alice.
Han runs to the front door. Han exits.
Roberta enters. Roberta wears a medical examiner’s jacket and carries a book.
Excuse me. I left a leg in the
freezer. I was here with Han
studying anatomies, if you
know what I mean.
Roberta holds up an Anatomy text book and winks.
Roberta walks towards the freezer.
Roberta opens the freezer.
Did you leave a chicken leg?
Roberta pulls a frozen human leg from the freezer.
No, a human leg.
Are you going to autopsy the
I have to. This is the only
piece of the deceased we
Where did you find it?
Which one of you is staying
in the bedroom with the white walls?
I find it in the room where you are.
There was so much blood we had
to have the walls repainted.
Oh, and you probably will want to
use different bed sheets. Forgot
to change them. You see, after
death, bugs enter....
I don’t want to hear it!
Well, bye everyone. I am off for
some literally cutting edge medicine.
Roberta turns and exits out the front door.
Spooky, swirling noises are heard.
A scary looking CLOWN enters the room
The clown walks to the freezer.
Excuse me, I left something
in the freezer.
The clown opens the freezer.
Oh, that’s right. I already
The clown turns to the others.
My bad. Resume as you were.
The clowns runs towards the front door and exits.
A scary, ghostly voice is heard.
GHOSTLY VOICE (o.s.)
You all are going to die...You
are all going to die...You will
never see the next iPhone.
Bob is panicked and fearful.
Ted, Carol, and Alice appear same as before.
Didn’t anyone else hear that?
It was just the wind. Sometimes
wind noises sound like words.
I can do the same thing when
I break wind.
The fart noises last for several seconds. The fart noises begin to form words. The fart noises continue until the room explodes.
You’re all going to die.
Wow, I am more skillful than
Pee yew. I am lighting a match.
Carol takes matches out a pocket.
Carol strikes a match.
The air in the room explodes.
Ted, what did you eat?
Alice walks to a piece of luggage.
Alice removes scientific testing tools.
OK. This will measure air
quality. This will measure
How is that going to discover
I don’t know yet. I believe there
is a logical explanation for 18
deaths here. I’ll know it when
I see it.
Ted removes a tomato from the refrigerator.
Carol turns to Ted. Carol hugs Ted.
How about a good morning kiss?
Ted and Carol kiss.
Carol lifts her arms. She has foot long nails.
Carol caresses Ted’s face.
Tomato juice, looking like blood, runs down Ted’s face.
Bob turns to Alice
You see that? Is that what you
will know when you see it?
Ted and Carol break from their kissing and hugging.
Bob, I’m sorry I took the last
You’re face. It’s all bloody.
I’m fine. It’s just tomato juice.
Look at Carol’s freakish long
Oh, it’s a genetic thing. Had it
since childhood. I have to clip
my fingernails several times a
Sorry, dude. I thought she tore
up your face.
You should see his back.
Bob, I need you to put air quality
sampling equipment in the basement.
Oh, sure, send the Black guy down into the
unknown to be killed first...
Bob grabs the air quality sample equipment.
Bob opens the stairs to the basement.
Bob walks down the stairs.
INT. BASEMENT. CONTINUOUS - MORNING
Bob walks to the bottom of the steps.
A cute while mouse runs up to Bob. The mouse stands on its hind legs and looks towards Bob.
Hello, cute little mouse. Did you come
inside from the nasty cold weather outside?
Hundreds of rats run into the basement. Many crawl over Bob’s shoes.
Rats run up Bob’s pants.
I hate rats! I hate rats!
Bob runs up the stairs leading out of the basement.
Hundreds of snakes drop from hanging on the basement ceiling and door to the first floor.
Bob turns away from the door and and runs down the stairs.
Choose rats over snakes. Hate snakes more.
A tiger crouches in the basement preparing to pounce on Bob.
Bob sees the tiger. Bob turns and runs up the stairs.
The tiger pounces towards Bob, just missing him.
I love snakes. I love snakes.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS. MORNING
Bob excitedly rushes to the others.
There’s a tiger in here.
Ted turns to Carol.
I told you they could hear you last night.
Carol growls like a tiger.
Ted parks like a dog.
No, there is a real tiger, in the basement.
And snakes. And rats.
That is highly unlikely. A tiger could not
survive in this basement.
Not unless it gets to eat us. Which I
think it wants to do.
Alice walks towards the stairways leading to the basement.
INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Alice walks down the steps. There is no sight of any rats, snakes, or the tiger.
The cute mouse run to Alice. The mouse stands up on his high legs in front of Alice.
All clear, except for a cute moue.
That’s how it starts.
The cute mouse bares its fangs.
The mouse jumps and bites Alice on her neck.
Alice grabs the mouse. removes it from her neck, and holds onto lit.
Alice twists the mouse’s neck, killing it.
I shall have to run an autopsy on this
mouse. Perhaps that will provide us a
Yes, that things in the basement want
No, there has to be more to this.
OK, things in the basement want us
INT. ALICE’S ROOM - DAY
Alice dissects the mouse.
Bob watches Alice.
You know I faint at the sight of blood.
That is not blood. Those are its
Alice does not realize Bob fainted.
Alice examines the mouse’s body.
This was a female mouse. And
she was pregnant.
Alice turns away from the body. Alice examines her dissection tools pondering which to next use.
A miniature alien creature with sharp teeth and sharp claws is born from the dead mouse.
The alien creature uses its hands to crawl out of the mouse.
The alien rapidly scampers away off the table.
The alien runs down the table legs and onto the floor.
The alien scampers up Alice’s leg.
Alice does not feel nor react to the alien running up her leg.
The Alice runs underneath Alice’s dress. The slight bulge of the alien is seen as it runs up the dress. The slight bulge disappears near’s Alice’s crotch.
Ohh, must be that time of month.
Alice walks to her luggage bag. Alice pulls out a tampon.
The dead mouse comes back to life. The dissection heals itself and the mouse is whole.
The mouse scampers away.
Very funny. Who stole my mouse?
Carol enters the room carrying a computer mouse.
I’m sorry. Is this yours?
INT. CAROL’S ROOM - DAY
Carol enters her room carrying the computer mouse.
Two twin girls dressed similarly stand in a corner.
The twins speak in unison.
Would you like to play with us?
Sure. What would you like to
Do you know how to play Bite
No. What’s that?
That‘s where we bite your balls
You’re silly. I don’t have any
We mean the balls of your
The twins move at light speed across the room. They are bent down, one biting the balls of Carol’s left foot and the other biting the balls of Carol’s right foot.
No, I don’t want to play this
game. How do you even keep
Carol collapses to the ground as the twins bite the balls of her feet off.
Ted opens the door to Carol’s room.
The twins scamped off and vanish at light speed.
What are you doing on the floor?
I got my balls bitten off.
You’re silly You don’t have
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Bob paces around nervously.
Ted is worried.
Alice finishes wrapping Carol’s feet.
There has to be a logical
explanation. I am sure we
are all just getting a
little over anxious.
You’d be over anxious if
a tiger pounced at you.
You probably saw a
ferule cat and your mind
I saw a tiger and my bowels
There were twin girls who
Alice stands. Carol stands with her. Alice guides Carol towards Carol’s room.
I will show you. There are no
Alice opens the door to Carol’s room.
Alice walks into Carol’s room.
Carol nervously walks into the room behind Alice.
Ted walks into the room after Carol.
Bob walks into the room after Ted.
INT. CAROL’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
The room is decorated with banners and pennants of the Minnesota Twins.
Alice looks at the room in amazement.
Carol looks at the room in horror.
And how do you explain the bite
marks on my feet?
Oh, that might have been me, I
got a little carried away last night.
Now, what I want to know is:
who stole my dead mouse
What would anyone want with
a dead mouse?
I find they are good in garlic
Bob, Carol, and Alice look at Ted with disgust..
What? It was a fraternity
I need someone to get to
the bottom of this.
I already did. Three times
Hush. That’s supposed to
be our private secret.
No, it wasn’t a private
secret. We heard you,
all three times. Actually,
four times, but I’m not
sure what you were
Maybe there is some
evidence in the attic. Bob,
check out the attic.
That’s right. Black guy always
dies fist, send the Black guy
in to the danger area first.
Get to the bottom by going
up to the attic. White people
never do make sense.
INT. ATTIC. DAY
Bob ducks bats flying around him.
Bob ducks bats and baseball bats flying around him.
A tall green ALIEN with a giant head and giant eyes walks up to Bob.
The alien points his finger towards Bob. The finger tip glows.
Wow! Are you from another planet?
Do you have advance intelligence?
Pull my finger.
Well, maybe not that advanced.
Bob pulls the alien’s finger.
The alien turns around and farts towards Bob. The fart smoke is visible.
INT. SPACECRAFT - IN SPACE THERE IS NO DAY OR NIGHT
Bob awakens groggy.
Bob sees he is tied to an operating table. His skin is split open as various green ALIENS probe his organs.
A BLACK ALIEN sweeps the floor.
Dude, lay off off the cheeseburgers.
Oh, and that Tiffany who said she is
disease free. Guess what. She isn’t.
An ALIEN removes Bob’s heart, liver, and spleen.
The alien juggles Bob’s heart, liver, and spleen.
The others aliens laugh.
Bob passes out.
INT. ATTIC- DAY
Bob awakens while lying on the floor.
Bob takes off his shirt and sees operation scars.
Bob shouts towards the sky.
You know, there is a tiger here
you could have probed instead.
That’s right. Problem the Black
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Bob enters from the attic steps.
You are not going to believe
what happened up there.
Ted, Carol, and Alice wear green face masks that look like the aliens.
Ted, Carol, and Alice turns towards Bob.
Bob jumps back and screams.
Look at these neat masks we
Carol hands Bob a black alien face mask.
You’re giving me the one black
mask? I wonder why.
Bob puts on the black alien face masks It falls apart as he puts it on.
Hey, your masks are better made.
Wow, even the damn aliens are
INT. TED’S ROOM - DAY
Ted nervously paces around his room.
Ted sees a light on his wall. The light swirls around and slowly forms into a ghastly face
A bloody HAND reaches from the floor.
The hand grabs Ted’s foot.
The hand quickly pulls Tim through the floor and into Heck.
EXT. HECK - WHO KNOWS IF IT IS DAY OR NIGHT
Santa Clause greets Ted.
Welcome to Heck. I am Santa
Wait. I’m where? You’re who?
I am Santa Clause. This is
Heck. I haven’t enough experience
yet through the ages to become a
Satan and be able to operate a
Santa, how can you be affiliated
with evil? I thought you were good.
Good? You know my evil. Every
year, billions of children do not get
the gifts that I promised them. I
turn Christmas into the saddest
day of the year
No, Santa is good. Good, I tell
Why do you think I keep lists of
who’s been naughty or nice?
Because I used the naughty list
I can’t believe what I am hearing.
You remember that bicycle that
I promised you when you were
I stole it from your parents.
You think there is a profit in
flying around the world leaving
presents? No, I go into houses
and steal presents. That’s where
the big money is.
Ted looks around.
So, this is Heck? It’s not too
That is because it is only
95 degrees here at the North
Pole Heck. Now let’s visit Heck
at the equator.
Santa snaps a finger.
The background changes to fiery red flames.
Ted sweats profusely.
You know the worst part of
all this? You’re a teenager,
and you still believe in Santa
The flames become more intense.
A terrorized and screaming Ted falls to his knees.
INT. TED’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Ted is on his knees screaming.
Carol walks into the room.
I was with Santa Clause
That’s frightening. My
parents took me to sit in
Santa’s lap, and I cried.
My parents said “You have
nothing to fear, this is Santa”.
I guess it is alright if Santa
sticks his finger up your butt.
Look, there is something
seriously wrong with this
A loud whooping noise is hear. It grows in intensity.
Ted and Caro hold their ears shut while rushing into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Alice runs from her room holding her ears shut.
Bob emerges from the bathroom.
Sorry. The toilet is clogged.
Ted, Carol, and Alice scream.
Something is wrong here. But
I can’t place my finger on it.
Alice leans over placing her hand on the wall.
The wall quickly opens.
A large white SHARK jumps after Alice.
Alice, Ted, Carol, and Bob run from the snapping shark.
The shark lies on the floor, gasping for water.
We should be alright. The
shark can’t live long outside
The shark lunges at Bob, just missing eating Bob.
Tell that to the shark.
Bob is pressed against the wall.
The shark, with mouth open, slides towards Bob.
The shark’s teeth surround Bob.
Bob cowers with fear.
White people, white shark. I
knew some whitey would
someday get me.
The shark dies.
I told you.
I’m hungry. Who’s us for
some shark sushi?
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Bob, Ted, and Carol eat sushi.
A large chunk is missing from the dead shark lying on the floor.
Alice, you sure you won’t
Consuming raw fish can be
hazardous to your health.
You know I avoid hazards.
Believe me, this is the least
hazardous thing we’ve done
The shark meat in the sushi moves off their plates and towards the shark.
The shark meat moves into the shark.
Ah, this isn’t normal, is it?
The dead shark awakens and stands up, towering over the others.
Where’s the rest of me?
Ah, sorry about that. If its any
consolation, you’re delicious.
Nah, I’ve had better.
Please don’t eat us.
Did you know we sharks
don’t like the taste of humans?
I knew that.
Of course we don’t like
humans. We like aquatic life.
When we bite a human, it is
because you look like a turtle.
You thought I was a turtle?
Man, even sharks are racists.
When we bite humans, you
taste so bad, we spit you out.
So, just to be clear, none of
you are turtles, right?
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice all shake their heads no.
I’m outta here. I’m off to hunt
There’s a tiger downstairs.
I said aquatic life, you moron.
The shark walks to the front door.
The shark opens the front door.
Oh, and speaking of morons,
what idiots think we sharks
can fly in hurricanes eating
The sharks steps outside. Snow blows off into a strong wind.
The shark flies around in the wind.
Bob runs to the front door and yells at the shark.
See who’s the moron now.
Bob shuts the front.
What could possibly happen next?
A scary CLOWN with whiteface, wild orange hair and a huge frown jumps in front of Bob.
You better not be a Black man
Hi! Everybody loves a clown, right?
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice all appear frightened.
The clown looks at them menacingly.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice nod their heads affirmatively.
Look, I can make things out of
The clown blows a balloon. He works with it until it looks like four headless teenagers holding their heads in their hands.
Wow, I bet you had to study hard
to learn to do that.
What do you want?
The clown looks at Carol.
I want to be loved.
Missionary style, doggie
style, reverse cowgirl…
Reverse cowgirl, what’s
That’s what you call our
third time last night.
That has a name?
But does anyone ever love
The clown stares menacingly at the others.
The others are too frightened to answer.
The clown walks to Alice.
Is it the make-up?
You could tone it down
You could try my eyeliner.
Is it the hair?
Bro, I love the hair. I’m getting
a haircut just like yours.
The clown walks to Bob.
Ia it because clowns hate Black
I knew it.
The clown walks to Carol.
Is it because our penises are
Actually, that can be a problem.
How do you know that?
Believe me, I’ve had longer than
The clown walks to Alice.
Is it because we kill teenagers.
Actually, that does affect your
Well, guess what I am going
to do to you teenagers…
The clown looks menacingly at the others.
I’m going to leave absentee
ballots. I’m running for Congress.
That’s ridiculous. Who ever
heard of a clown in Congress?
The clown gives each an an absentee ballot.
Please fill these out and send
them in before you die this
The clown laughs hysterically while walking towards the front door
Send another clown to Congress!
The clown opens the front door.
The clown walks outside.
The shark, flying through the air, eats the clown,
Bob runs to the door. Bob shakes his fish at the shark.
Yeah, who’s the moron now?
The joke is on that clown. I’m
not even registered to vote.
Bob closes the front door.
Carol walks to a food storage door.
Carol opens the food storage door.
Oh, look. Cans of pea soup.
Alice quickly turns around and looks at Carol.
That sure turned my head.
Carol opens a can of pea soup.
Carol drinks the can of pea soup.
Ahh, I think you are supposed
to heat that first.
Bob picks up the empty can and reads it.
This soup expired several
decades ago. This soup was
a fresh name back when
Humpty Hump was a fresh
Read some rap music history.
Wow, that’s a wicked side
I am evil.
In bed, yes.
Carol’s head rotates completely around.
Man, I have to try that
Carol vomits pea soup around the entire room.
Bob, Ted, and Alice duck pea soup vomit.
Carol lowers to the floor.
That was some trip.
Literally. You, like, flew.
There has to be a logical
There is. The devil was
Hey, doing that does not
make me the devil.
Not you, Satan.
Ted turns to Carol.
Are you cheating on me?
There must be a strong wind
that comes through here.
And the head spinning?
I credit that to yoga.
The deep dark voice of SATAN is heard through Carol’s moving lips.
Yoga, and the power of
Bob runs to a computer.
Bob furiously types on the computer.
There. I just became an Internet
No! Not that!
By the power of the Almighty,
I compel you to leave this
Just so we’re clear. You do
mean Satan, right?
Yes, Satan. Carol, you stay.
Oh, OK. Well, its been fun.
See you all later…in Hell!
Oh and do drop by and
visit. It’ll be great to
Carol’s head jerks back.
Wow, I am glad he’s no longer
You said last night you liked it.
Not you, Satan.
Who’s this Satan guy? How
long have you been seeing
The voice of Satan is heard above.
All look upwards at the sound of Satan’s voice.
Ted, you want to meet me?
Well, here I am.
Ted’s head jerks backwards.
Hey, I just let a guy inside me.
And I kind of liked it.
I told you you’re bi. You have
way too many male pro wrestling
Hey, I admire the sport of it.
Even if it rigged and fake.
What? Pro wresting is fake?
Ted floats through the air.
When does my head spin?
Ted floats upside down.
Ted’s rapidly body spins around.
Stop! I do not consent! I’m
being assaulted by Satan!
Bob runs to Ted.
By the power of the Almighty,
I compel you to leave this
body. Oh, and so we’re clear,
I mean you, Satan.
Ted stops spinning.
Ted falls to the ground. His head hits the ground before the rest of his body.
I’m OK. I only hit my head.
Bob’s head jerks back.
Oh, no. Satan is making me
The voice of Satan is heard through Bob’s moving lips.
What kind of body is that? Bob,
you are one demented pervert.
Bob’s head jerks forward.
So, Satan can’t stand living
inside the hood.
Alice’s head jerks back.
Satan is inside me. No one
worry. I have this under control.
Don’t be gentle, Satan. Touch
me like I’ve never been touched
before, because, well, I haven’t
been touched before.
Alice’s head jerks forward.
The toaster on a counter glows strongly.
The voice of Satan is heard through the toaster.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice look at the toaster.
It’s me, Satan. I escaped to
the toaster. Seriously, the four
of you need help. None of you
are going to make it to Heaven,
yet I’m not letting you into Hell,
either. I do not need the
The toaster pops up with burnt toast on fire.
Ted looks at the toaster.
And that was the”light” setting.
This can all be explained
logically. We’re all anxious. We
had a group panic attack. We
imagined the devil. We are now
Alice turns away from the others.
Bob, Ted, and Carol stare at the forked devil’s tail emerging from Alice.
Alice, your butt.
Why, thank you. I thought you
Bob whispers to Alice.
You have a devil’s butt.
I know. It is hot, isn’t it?
Not your butt. Your tail.
Alice pushes her tail inside her skirt.
I was born with a tail.
The doctors wanted to
cut it off at birth, yet
my parents thought it
would make a nice
You must have had lots
of interesting conversations.
No, I haven’t.
I can believe that.
Alice, it time you get your
cherry popped. I know
just who should do it.
But, Ted, Carol is standing
Not me, Carol.
It would be fun to see some
girl on girl action.
That’s right. Don’t even
think of the Black guy
standing right here.
I will choose to lose my
virginity when I choose.
It will be after I am married,
and only then we will have
sex through a hole in a blanket
so we won’t be able to see
each other’s partially clothed
You’re going to die a virgin,
even if you do have sex.
Ted finds a guillotine.
Ted carries the guillotine to the others.
Hey, look what I found. A
Maybe if you are the golly
That’s not a vegetable
slicer. That’s a guillotine.
A what? What’s it used for?
It is used to chop off heads.
You mean, like, heads of
No, human heads.
What would anyone want a
human head with their
People are tasty.
Maybe it was used to kill
some of the 18 people who
None of the victims had
their heads chopped off.
Maybe the killer wants
a variety in killing methods.
PIERRE, a man dressed in a short bathrobe, walks into the room.
So there is my guillotine.
Who are you? Where y’all keep
I am Pierre.
Carol playfully flicks up the back of the robe.
Hey, leave the robed Pierre
Pierre, why do you have
It’s a family heirloom. My
family for many generations
have been in the debt
collection business. If you
don’t pay, we use the guillotine.
You cut their heads off?
No, we would steal their
farmed goods. This is used
for cutting vegetables.
I thought so.
And if you still didn’t pay,
we’d use this to cut off
penises. We often have the
highest debt collection rates.
What are you doing in this
I live down the road. I use
the shower here.
You walked through a snow
storm in a short robe to use
your neighbor’s shower?
Yes, They keep better conditioner
Why are you carrying a guillotine?
I open bags of potato chips with it.
It’s the only thing that gets those
bags open. I also use it to scare
How does this scare off dogs?
You neuter one dog, word gets
INT. SHOWER - DAY
A shadow figure of a woman holding a bottle of conditioner, looking like a knife , appears behind the shower curtain.
Pierre does not see the shadow of the woman.
Carol rapidly draws back the shower curtain.
Carol quickly brings forward a conditioner bottle held in her hand.
Pierre looks at the conditioner bottle screams.
That’s a generic conditioner.
Pierre feels faint.
Pierre slams into the shower wall.
Pierre slowly slides down the shower wall.
Conditioner runs down the drain.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Pierre wearing his robe drags the guillotine towards the front door.
A gun looking like an erect penis appears underneath Pierre’s robe.
Is that a gun, or are you
happy to see me?
Pierre reaches into his robe.
Pierre removes the pistol from his robe.
It’s a gun.
How do you keep a gun there?
You know, sometimes at band
camp, I would go to the shooting
range and fire my gun.
You had a gun range at your band
We were the rough bunk.
Sometimes I would fire my gun
until it got really hot. And then I
would shove the gun into my
Wow. Suddenly the virgin has a
Well, see you all later. That is,
if you’re still alive.
Pierre struggles getting the guillotine out the door. Pierre holds the guillotine with one hand in the cutting zone.
The guillotine falls and slices off Pierre’s hand.
I hate when that happens.
Ted picks up Pierre’s hand
Ted hands the hand to Pierre.
Here, let me give you a hand.
Yeah, sometimes Carol gets
so rough I have to mercy.
Pierre opens the front door.
Pierre walks outside into the windy snow storm.
The wind blows up Pierre’s robe.
I see London. I see France. I
don’t see any underpants.
EARL, a man holding a chain saw, enters the room.
Howdy. I’m here to cut down
In a snow storm?
This yard doesn’t have any
Is there anyone…I mean,
anything else you want
How do you all keep getting
You left a side window
open. I came in the
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice look at each other accepting this explanation as usual.
You ever kill anyone with
that? Like maybe 18
Why? Do you know someone
who deserves dying?
Well, there is a flying talking
I can make you squeal like a
By using that chain saw?
No, I teach Acting classes.
I don’t believe we will be
needing your pig squealing
services. You should be on
Alrighty. I’ll be in the barn
behind this house…doing
some butchery. If anyone
of you want to see me
butcher, y’all come back
If we do go to the barn,
we should carefully plan
to go there one at a time.
And if no one comes back,
we keep going back, one at
That sounds logical.
Come back and we can talk
politics. Believe me, I can
out debate anyone. You won’t
have a leg to stand on.
Earl walks to the front door.
Earl opens the front door and looks at a thick snow storm.
Earl starts the chain saw operating.
Earl cuts an exit through the snow.
Earl closes the door.
There is a knock at the front door.
Ted opens the front door.
WAYNE, a man wearing a hockey goalie mask and holding a hockey stick, enters.
I’m going door to door raising
money for the local hockey
team. We also support the
underground railroad for cattle
liberated by animal activists.
Why are you wearing a hockey
In this snow? I should wear a
Doesn’t that mask scare
Only the opposing team. I can
make grown men cry.
Wayne slashes his hockey stick in the air.
I’d like to donate, but I
already gave at the office.
Wayne slashes his hockey stick near Bob, just missing him.
That’s a lie. We don’t collect
funds in offices.
Maybe it was another hockey
You gave money to a rival team?
I don’t know. You all look alike.
You know how you can tell if
it is my team?
My team is the one that will
shove a hockey stick down
That’s unsporting conduct.
I lead our league in penalty
Wayne slashes his hockey stick.
Come to think of it, it was a
badminton team I donated
Alice pick up the toaster.
We’d like to donate this
Toaster? What am I supposed
to do with a toaster?
When your opponents are
practicing, you turn up the
heat, melt the ice, and then
you throw the plugged in
toaster onto the melted ice
and you electrocute them.
Nah, that would be too
many penalty minutes.
Wayne exits through the front door.
A COW flies into the room.
The cow flies around the room.
Look, we have cows.
How did that get in here?
We need to shut that open
This house has very serious
air circulation problems.
Maybe the cow is searching
for the cattle underground
This must be a twister.
The board game Twister flies around the room.
The Twister mat flies underneath the cow.
Ted grabs the Twister spinning board.
Ted spins the spinner on the board.
Right hind leg red.
The cow places his right hind leg onto a red circle on the Twister mat.
Left front leg yellow.
The cow tries to place his left front leg onto a yellow circle. The leg can’t reach the yellow circle.
The cow trips over himself in midair.
The cow falls to the ground.
The twisting wind stops.
I guess that is that.
The cow stands up, looks at Bob’s shirt, snorts, and kicks a front leg back preparing to charge towards Bob.
Oh, yeah, charge after the man
wearing the red shirt.
That’s a myth. Cows can’t
distinguish the color red.
Great. So the cow picks to
charge a Black man.
The cow charges towards Bob.
Bob rips off his shirt.
Bob waves the shirt beside him.
The cow runs through the shirt, missing Bob.
Ted grabs the toaster.
Ted throws the toaster onto the cow.
The cow is electrocuted.
The cow drops dead.
We’ve having hamburgers
Could you make mine a
What part of the cow do
you use to make a veggie
Actually, if you cut into
the cud…ah, never mind.
If you cut into the bowels,
do you get fast food burgers?
Ted drags the the cow away with just his right hand.
Ted, you have a strong right
He does. He exercises it
at least seven times a day.
A TERRORIST jumps into the room waving a sword.
We really have got to
shut that window.
I am a terrorist. I am
here to kill you all. If I
die, I get a virgin.
I’m a virgin.
The terrorist looks Alice up and down.
The terrorist drops his sword.
The terrorist leaves the room.
NORM, a man, enters the room carrying the mummified remains of an elderly woman, NORM’S MOTHER..
Hi, I’m Norm.
BOB, TED, CAROL, ALICE (in unison)
And this is my mother.
Ahh, you do know your
mother is, ah, maybe a
little under the weather.
I know. The cold weather
changes her complexion
I think the cold weather
has taken her out.
Oh, I take her out all
What brings you here?
I was wondering if you
had any large rugs.
I have some people…
I mean, things, I’d like
to roll them up with
Norm points at Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice while counting.
I’ll need four rugs.
When do you need them?
There is no rush I won’t
need them until after you’re
Sorry. Hardwood floors. No
What a shame. Maybe
mother has some sleeping
bags around. You could sleep
forever in them.
Norm turns to leave.
Well, bye Norm, and bye, Norm’s
Norm’s mother’s head turns around so it faces the others.
It was nice meeting you.
Norm and Norm’s mother exit.
Norm’s mother needs better make-up.
Maybe it is me, but has anyone
noticed things are strange here?
A wolf’s howling is heard.
Alice goes to the front door.
Alice opens the front door.
Look, its a cute dog.
The WOLF bares his fangs and growls at Alice.
And he wants to play.
He looks cold in the snow.
I’m letting him in.
The wolf enters the room.
The wolf transforms into PEPPER, a hairy human.
Hi, I’m Pepper. I’m a
Bad doggy, bad.
Don’t worry. You are
perfectly safe. I only kill
during full moons There
won’t be another full moon
for several hours.
You kill someone, and I’m
rubbing your nose in it.
How medieval of you.
Maybe we should put a leash
and collar on Pepper.
Ted speaks to Carol.
Just like you did to me last
Pepper smells the dead cow in the air. Pepper is excited.
I smell a dead cow.
Pepper runs to the room where the dead cow is.
Ted runs after Pepper and looks into the room.
Bad Pepper, bad. Wow! I
don’t believe it! Pepper just
ate the whole cow in three
Pepper enters the room with a massively bloated stomach.
Well, I’m full. I can't eat
another bite. Well, that means
the four of you are safe
Pepper sits on a chair.
After that, you should go for
a walk. Go for a walk?
Nah, I know of like it here.
Alice grabs a ball from a counter.
Look at what I have here.
Pepper stands up excited.
A ball? I want the ball.
Open the door.
Bob opens the front door.
Alice throws the ball outside.
Pepper runs after the ball and runs outside.
Bob slams the door shut.
You owe me a ball.
Ted, she’s a virgin.
A knocking noise is heard by all at the front door.
Ted answers the front door.
A COUNT dressed as a caped vampire at at the door.
Let me guess. You’re
collecting for the blood
How did you guess?
The Count enters the room.
Permit me to introduce
myself. I am Count
Strawberry? I thought
more into chocolate.
I would be, but there were
copyright infringement issues.
Sorry, none of us can donate
to your blood driver. We all
No you don’t. You’re a
I…ahh…caught it from
a toilet seat.
You don’t get HIV from a
You can, if you shove the
entire toilet seat up your…
Don’t tell us.
It’s difficult to do when you
already have a gun in
Why do they call you a
Count, instead of, say,
It is a title given to
How did you get to be a
Do you have fangs?
Yes, I do.
The count opens his mouth and shows off his fangs.
Dude, you must leave fancy
I like your cape. Were did you
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice appear confused.
Oh, come on. You’ll get it
in the middle of the night.
Do you, like, turn into a bat?
That is a myth perpetuated
by the media. I turn into a
The count turns into a bluebird. The bluebird flies around the room, diving at the four.
The bluebird flies into a window.
The bluebird falls to the ground dead.
What a tragic waste of
Oh, I should tell you, I don’t
have HIV. I always place a
condom on the toilet seat…
and the gun.
There is a knock on the door.
There are way too many
people outside in this
Ted opens the front door.
A HUNCHBACK stands outside.
Are you the hunchback of
The Hunchback enters the room.
The Hunchback removes his jacket. The Hunchback is wearing a UCLA sweater.
No, I’m the Hunchback of
What brings you here?
I have a work order to pump
Is this weather?
Listen, do you want frozen
poop all over your front lawn?
Actually, that might be kind
How long have you been a
The Hunchback stands up straight.
Oh, I’m not a hunchback. I
bend over a lot to play
The Hunchback pulls out a game box.
I’m on level 386.
386? I thought there were
only 385 levels.
They want you to think that.
You need to make a secret
deal to reach level 386.
How secret deal?
You have to give me your
We can have lots of
children. There is only
one level 386.
Oh, OK then.
You can have my first
That’s an empty promise.
The Hunchback walks to the front door.
I am off to pretend i can pump
a septic tank in the middle of
Wow, you get all the fun.
Don’t let the septic fumes
get in here and kill you.
The Hunchback leaves through the front door.
The Hunchback closes the front door.
A knocking noise is heard at the front door.
Ted opens the front door.
Look, its the Invisible Man.
How can you see him?
Nothing is visible.
Of course he’s invisible.
That’s how I can see he’s
the Invisible Man.
You caught me. I’m Vince,
the Invisible Man. Here,
I’ll put something on so
you can see me.
A pair of white underwear is seen picked off the floor and risen up a leg and onto VINCE.
What brings you here?
Oh, I’m here a lot. Oh, by the way,
Ted and Carol, you were great
last night. I filmed some video.
It already has over one million
hits on my website.
You watched us?
Yes, along with people in 39
countries. Have you two
considered doing porn full
May I get a tape?
Sure. And could you autograph
some for our mail orders?
I personally loved your stuff
with the leash and then the
I think this is awful. May we
have some privacy?
You know,, we could sue.
OK, I’ll see if Sue is available
for a threesome video.
Vince, your being invisible
defies the laws of Physics.
There is much about the
laws of Physics you
Earthlings have yet to
Are you not from Earth?
Of course not. I am from
Los Angeles. There are
lots of people from other
planets, I mean, from
So what brings you here?
Oh, I locked myself out.
You know it is cold out
there when you have
Vince removes his underpants.
Are you leaving?
No. I’ll be around.
Vince flicks the underpants onto Alice’s face.
I bet that’s a first for you.
Alice quickly throws the underpants onto the floor.
Ah, look, I can’t see Vince
Millions of people watching us
have sex. Do you know what
Yes, we need to get some
money from product placement.
There is a knocking noise at the front door.
Seriously, don’t people stay
indoors during snow storms?
An INSURANCE AGENT stands at the door.
Hello.I am here to tell you the
benefits of term life insurance.
Ted pulls out a gun.
Ted shoots the insurance sales agent.
The insurance agent falls dead.
Ted slams the door shut.
It had to be done.
Bob, Carol, and Alice nod in agreement.
There is a knock on the front door.
Ted opens the front door.
The SIDEHILL strangler stands at the door
Excuse me, but do you know you
have a dead body at your doorstop?
Yes, it was an insurance sales
He was dead already.
Excuse me, but you look
I’ve been on television a lot.
The police keep listing me as
the prime suspect as being the
Sidehill Strangler. Yet I’ve
done a great job destroying
all the evidence. I mean, they
can’t find the evidence.
Well, in that case, won’t you
come in and warm up?
The Sidehill Strangler walks into the room.
Ted closes the front door.
Thank you. Oh, and when
the police find the dead body
on your doorstep, would you
tell them the Hillside Strangler
did it? I’ve been on a dry spell
for awhile and I need to keep
my numbers up.
If you’re the Sidehill Strangler,
how are you going to avoid that
we can call the police and give
them your description?
Oh, that’s because, after you
call the police, I am going to
then kill all four of you.
Ted takes out his gun.
Ted shoots the Sidehill Strangler dead.
I tell you, this shooting people
The front door creakily opens.
The Wicked WITCH of the Middle East enters flying on a brown broomstick and wearing a black vest filled with bombs.
We need to lock that door.
Hello, my semi-precious. I am
the Wicked Witch of the Middle
Alice grabs a water bottle.
Alice sprays the Witch with water.
No, I’m not going to melt.
Plus, why did you try to kill me
before you ascertain if I am a good
witch or bad witch?
Sorry, you’re right. Are you a good
witch or a bad witch?
A bad witch. Still, next time, wait
until you know for certain. My sister
was a good witch and they burned
her at the stake Just because we
place curses on people some get
overly excited about our work.
The toads. Oh, they now are toads.
I have a toad curse.
How do you tell the difference
between a good witch and a bad
A good witch will give you a
nice hug and a kiss.
Hey, he's mine.
A bad witch does this.
The Witch pulls out a wand and points it towards Ted.
A lightning bolt shoots out of the wand and hits Ted.
Ted is zapped.
Ted falls to the ground, smoldering with smoke.
Ted sits up
Cool. Do that again.
You’re not supposed to like
Oh, he does.
And I’ve got the video to prove
Ted stands up.
You’re a good witch.
Bob inspects the Witch’s broom.
That’s a cool broom.
Yeah, I’ve seen your house.
You should get a broom.
What is the power source for
I…don’t know. You just take
the driver’s ed class, pass
the test, and they give you
There is no seat belt. How
do you not fall off?
They teach you that in
How fast can it go?
I don’t know. Fast. It doesn’t
come with a speedometer.
Does it have a GPS?
Do you see a GPS?
How do you get to where
you are going?
How does anyone know to
get to where they’re going?
People got to places before
Do you have problems with
No. You learn about that in
When you are flying, does a
bird above you ever crap on
Yes, but very rarely. Seriously,
what is it with all these questions?
It’s not everyday a witch with a
broomstick and a groovy wand
flies into your room.
Do brooms come in just this
color, or could I order one in,
No one in the history of witchcraft
has ever asked that question.
Well, someone should. I think
it would look great bedazzled.
Or maybe painted with red
A purple broomstick would be
How about black? Any witch
ever have a black broomstick?
They only come in brown.
And that black dress. It could
use some yellow stripes. Yellow
pumps would look great on you
The dresses come only in
Now we’re talking.
Who does your hair? You
should try highlights.
Enough questions. I can’t
take anymore. I’m out of here.
The Witch flies her broom into the window.
The Witch falls forward and hits her head on the window.
The Witch falls to the ground dead.
They should teach about that
in driver’s ed.
We should put some decals
on that window.
Carol grabs the broomstick
I’m painting this baby purple.
Carol jumps on the broomstick.
The broomstick flies Carol around the room, diving and missing Ted, Bob and Alice, knocking down chairs, cabinets, and shelves.
Carol jumps off the broomstick.
The broomstick flies away.
Aw, I wanted to paint red racing
stripes on it.
Alice looks at the dead bodies on the floor.
We’re building quite a bit of
a body count here. The
paperwork will be enormous.
Now, everyone, we need to
keep our stories straight. The
Sidehill Strangler shot the
insurance sales representative,
the witch shot the strangler,
and then she committed suicide.
Got it. The witch shot the insurance
sales representative who then
committed suicide and then she
shot the strangler.
On second thought, how about we
all say none of us saw anything.
Good, that’s easy to remember.
Except I may let it slip I saw
the invisible man.
No one saw nothing, got it?
I certainly did.
I won’t tell on a brother
and two sisters. I remember
Got it. Someone named
Exactly killed them all.
It doesn’t matter. In the end,
they’re going to blame the
Is it all about race to you?
When you’re Black, you learn
it is all about race.
We need to focus on what killed
the 18 other people.
Gee, if we only had a clue. Anyone?
No, I saw nothing.
Maybe it was Exactly.
I believe this can all be explained
Alice picks up her air quality machine.
I see from this air quality reading
that the air is making us delusional.
I conclude that none of this happened.
Carol looks at a sword hanging from the wall.
Carol reaches for the sword.
The sword falls, bounces off the wall, and slices off Carol’s head.
Alice rushes to Carol’s body.
Alice listens to Carol’s chest.
Carol is fine. Her heart is still beating.
She is not fine. Her body is there, and
her head is there. She is an ex-living
It could be the old severed head trick.
No one survives a trick where the
head is removed from the body.
Bob, you’re right. Yet there still is a
Ted and I are secretly dating.
She’s not really a virgin
We discovered that you and Carol
were having an affair.
Which drew me into the arms of
We decided to get our revenge
by tricking the two of you to
this mysterious murder house
in order to kill you both.
So, you killed Carol?
No, that really was an accident.
If it is any consolation, the Black
man did not die first.
Ted removes his gun.
Ted aims his gun and shoots Bob.
Bob collapses to the floor.
Ted runs to Alice
Ted and Alice embrace lovingly.
Now we are free to be together.
Just one question. Who killed
the 18 teenagers?
Michael Myers enters from the front door holding a gun.
That’s an easy answer. I killed
all 18 teenagers. They shoplift
from me, I kill them. And now I
am going to kill you.
Michael fires the gun at Alice and then Ted.
Alice falls dead.
Ted falls dead.
Michael laughs hysterically joyously.
Michael is startled as a spear goes through him.
Michael collapses dead.
Carol is holding the spear and lets go of the spear as Michael falls.
Fell for the old seve head
Carol laughs hysterically joyously.
Carol is startled as a spear goes through her.
Ted is holding the spear and lets go of the spear as Carol falls.
It was only a flesh wound.
I get my revenge after all.
Ted laughs hysterically joyously.
Ted is startled as a spear goes through him.
Bob is holding the spear and lets go of the spear as Ted falls.
Mine was only a flesh wound,
Bob turns around and shoots Alice holding a spear over him.
Alice falls dead.
It is about time someone Black
is the final survivor.
Bob laughs hysterically joyously.
Bob is startled as a spear goes through him
A BLACK ALIEN is holding a spear and lets go of the spear as Bob falls.
The black alien laughs hysterically joyously.