Leon Tchaikovsky’s
THIS FILM IS A HORROR
SCREENPLAY BY LEON TCHAIKOVSKY
19TH CENTURY WOLF
208 North Street
Harrisburg, Pa. 17101-1124
United States of America
Other screenplays by Leon Tchaikovsky:
ROTFL WITH BOB
TRIALS OF A 58 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
OUR MAINE GUY
REACH FOR THE SKY
THE SIXTH DIMENSION
HITTING BOTTOM
THE LAST SOLDIER TO DIE
LIFE HURTS
MY SHORTS ARE SHOWING
LIKE KISSING MY SISTER
PLAY BY DOZENS
FADE IN
INT. MAIN ROOM. HERE’S JOHNNY - DAY
BOB, an African American late teenager wearing a red shirt, TED an athletic caucasian late teenager,, CAROL, a sensuous blonde late teenager, and ALICE, a very modestly dressed Asian American late teenager, enter a store with a sign reading “Here’s Johnny Country Store and Stock Brokerage” above the counter.
MICHAEL MYERSON sits behind the counter with a cash register cleaning a rifle. He wears several pistols and hand grenades.
The teenagers admire several animal heads in the front room.
INT. SALES ROOM. HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Bob wanders through the sales room behind the front room. Bob sees the back of the animals whose head is displayed in the front room is in the back room. Bob is visibly startled. Bob jumps back into the front room.
INT. MAIN ROOM. HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
TED
Hello. I am Ted. Excuse me, sir.
Are you Johnny?
Michael points to three doors reading “Male”, “Female”, and “Castrato”.
MICHAEL
There are the johnnies.
TED
I mean, is your name Johnny?
MICHAEL
No, I am Michael Myerson. Johnny
died seven years ago, on this date.
They say his spirit rises once a year
on the anniversary on his death and
he kills four teenagers.
CAROL
Woo hoo! That gives me a one in
four chance of making cheerleading
practice tomorrow.
ALICE
You do not believe this legend, do
you?
MICHAEL
Of course not. There are no such
things as ghosts. Are you crazy?
BOB
See, we have nothing to worry about.
MICHAEL
No, I just think the uncaught killer
uses the myth as an excuse for
getting away with, let’s see, five
years times four murders a year,
add the one year he only killed
two teenagers, he’s not perfect,
carry the one, eighteen murders.
Alice shoots an annoyed face at Ted at Michael’s bad math.
ALICE
Do you have any thoughts on who
commits these murders?
MICHAEL
No. Most people think is it me. Yet
I think I am just the foil that makes
people think I am the killer. No, I
just like to watch things suffer,
watch them take their last breath,
it really is like a runner’s high...
TED
Yeah, man, I know what you mean...
Carol shoots a disgusted face at Ted.
TED
I mean the runner’s high. Nor the
other part.
MICHAEL
But watching something die with
its sleek warm body becoming still.
It may be a beautiful sight, but
it is not what I am into.
Bob admires an autographed photograph of Larry Thomas as Osma Bin Laden. Bob reads the inscription.
BOB
To my good friend, Johnny...
Hey, is this a signed photograph
of Osama Bin Laden?
JOHNNY
No, that’s a signed photograph
of the actor, Larry Thomas. He
portrayed Osama Bin Laden
in a movie.
Bob looks at the photograph beside the Larry Thomas photograph. Bob looks at a photograph of a man in a Nazi uniform.
BOB
Is this a photograph of another actor?
JOHNNY
No, that’s my high school graduation
picture.
CAROL
You sell any booze?
MICHAEL
Yeah, in the room to your left.
Carol turns to her right and walks a few steps.
Ted grabs Carol. Carol turns her around towards the side room.
Carol walks towards the side room.
INT. SIDE ROOM, HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Carol walks into a third room. Carol sees several people tied and gagged hanging from the ceiling.
Carol screams.
MARY POPPIN, dressed in a black leather dominatrix outfit, runs from her office into the third room.
Bob, Ted, and Alice run into the third room.
MARY
Sorry to started, you. I am Mary Poppin,
I am a dominatrix, and these are my clients.
Ted walks up to Mary and offers his hand.
Mary shakes Ted’s hand.
Ted looks approvingly at Mary.
Carol walks over to a section of the room labeled “Spirits”.
TED
Hi, I am Ted. This is Bob, Carol, and
Alice. So, Mary, do you have a boyfriend?
MARY
I am Michael’s wife.
TED
Just asking. But, hey, you know, when
the passion dies out, give me a call, OK?
CAROL
I love your dress. Is it Versace?
ALICE
So, Mary, you seem to be into giving pain.
Do you have any thoughts on who could
have killed sixteen...
Alice turns and shouts towards the room where Michael is.
ALICE (cot’d)
EIGHTEEN!
MICHAEL (O.S.)
My bad.
ALICE
Teenagers?
MARY
No idea.
ALICE
You do appear to like giving out pain.
MARY
Nah, I hate that. I despise my work.
I only do it for the money. Pays better
than my previous job.
ALICE
What was that?
MARY
I was a television network programmer.
If you want to talk about giving out real
pain to a lot of people....
CAROL
Hey! All you have for sale is rum.
MARY
There is RIpple for Bob.
BOB
You think just because I am Black
I want RIpple?
MARY
No, I am observing there is a bottle
of Ripple in your back pocket.
Bob sheepishly removes the bottle of ripple.
BOB
I left my Courvoisier in the car.
CAROL
All this rum is colored red.
MARY
Sorry, all we have left is redrum.
Carol turns away so others can’t see her. Carol puts a bottle of redrum inside the front of her pants.
TED
Do you know how to get to the last house of the
left on Elm Street?
MARY
Ah, yeah, you go onto Elm Street and continue
until you get to the last house on the left side
of the street.
TED
I mean, we are not from here. How do we
find this house?
MARY
You can walk from here. There is a brick
road that takes you there.
BOB
Yes, but it is snowing outside. How can
we spot where a brick road is?
MARY
Oh, people walk their dogs on it all
the time. You should be able to see it.
BOB
So, we should follow the yellow
brick road?
Ted looks at Bob confused.
BOB
Oh, come on, You’ll get it in the
middle of the night.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice walk into the front room.
INT. MAIN ROOM HERE’S JOHNNY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Ted looks at the bulging bottle in the crotch of Carol’s pants.
TED
Wow, I never knew females got
so happy to see me.
MICHAEL
Don’t forget when you get to the
house to click your heels together
three times?
BOB
And, what? That will get us to
Kansas?
MICHAEL
No, it’s a good way to get all that
snow off your feet...which you tracked
all over my store.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice exit the store.
Mary walks into the main room.
MARY
One of those kids shoplifted a bottle
of rum.
Michael takes practice aim with his rifle.
MICHAEL
You don’t say? Well, I’ll make them
pay, don’t you worry.
Michel laughs fiendishly.
EXT. SNOWY HILL - LATER - DAY
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice walks uphill in a snowstorm. They follow a urine stained line.
The hill gets steeper and steeper with every step.
TED
Oh, yellow brick road. Now I get it.
CAROL
Isn’t this crazy, walking in a snowstorm
to try and solve 18 murder mysteries
that even the FBI can’t solve?
ALICE
I am going to use my scientific skills to
discover the killer.
TED
Why did you bring me along?
ALICE
Ted, I need your athletic skills. You
may have defend us in case the
killer attacks us.
TED
But what if the killer kills me?
ALICE
Oh, don’t worry. I’ll post a photo on
Instagram of you getting killed.
Then everyone will know who the
killer is.
CAROL
Why did you bring me along?
ALICE
You are like the painted pin up
women on the sides of the World
War Two planes. Hopefully your
beauty will distract the killer long
enough.
CAROL
What if the killer likes guys?
ALICE
Then Ted will distract him while
you defend us.
CAROL
Oh.
BOB
Then what do you need me for?
ALICE
You’re the canary.
BOB
The what?
ALICE
You know, the canary. Miners used to
take a canary down mines. If the gas
was strong enough to kill the canary,
then the miners would know there is
leaking gas and they would escape
before the gas killed them.
BOB
So how am I the canary?
ALICE
Everyone knows the black guy dies
first.
Ted nudges Carol.
TED
Yeah, and then the blonde girl dies.
Carol nudges Ted.
CAROL
Yes, but the jock dies right after the
blonde.
TED
And then the killer is killed by the
virgin. Which means Alice will kill
the killer.
ALICE
What makes you think I’m the
virgin? Why not Carol?
CAROL
Don’t look at me. Even on the
way up here, I had sex with both
Bob and Ted in the back seat,
while you were driving.
ALICE
So that’s what those sounds were.
BOB
See, you’re a virgin.
CAROL
Besides, I knew you were a virgin
when I saw your paintings in art
class. Your nude had a My Little
Pony where the penis was supposed
to be.
The uphill climb reaches a 90 degree angle.
ALICE
You mean a penis does not look like
My Little Pony?
TED
You think my penis looks like My Little
Pony?
CAROL
Well, come to think of it....
ALICE
But my mother said that loving a man
sexually was like loving My Little Pony.
I just presumed that they looked the same.
BOB
You thought all this time those movie
and TV guys showing kids “My Little Pony”
were showing guys’ penises?
The uphill climb is now upside down.
ALICE
Yes, and that was rather traumatizing.
TED
Oh come on, this climb is getting
ridiculous.
A My Little Pony falls out of Alice’s purse towards the ground directly.
CAROL
Oh, no, Alice, you just dropped your
My Little Pony.
ALICE
I’ll never love again.
EXT. OUTSIDE MANSION ON ELM STREET - DAY
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice walks towards a scary looking mansion.
Bob knocks on the door.
IGOR MICHAEL, a hunchback holding a candle, answers the door.
IGOR
Welcome. We are always looking...
for fresh blood.
ALICE
I...ah...thought we would be alone.
A SCREAM is heard from inside the house.
CAROL
What was that?
IGOR
Oh, that was just someone
who...had to view something
quite unfortunate. That happens
a lot her..
BOB
Something unfortunate?
IGOR
Yes. It is hard to survive these days.
TED
Survive?
IGOR
Won’t you enter? We shall commence
with your viewing.
BOB
Viewing? I didn’t know we were dead,
yet.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice enter the mansion.
INT. MANSION - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Several zombie-like people with pale skin and unchanging expressionless faces slowly walk around the room. Each emits a low groaning sound.
ALICE
What have you done with these people?
IGOR
These are film critics. They have just
viewed next month’s scheduled releases.
HANK SKEWERED, one of the people roaming the room moves towards Alice.
HANK
Do not enter the theaters. You have been
warmed. These films will be the death of
you.
TED
This is shocking. How can we warn the
public?
IGOR
Aren’t you the critics from Buzzfeed?
BOB
No...Is this the last house on the left side
of Elm Street?
IGOR
No, this is the next to the last house on
the left side of Elm Street. Assuming, of
course, you face north. If you face south,
this is the next to the last house on the
right side of Elm Street.
CAROL
Our bad. We have the wrong address.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice turn to leave.
IGOR
Do come again. We plan on killing
several actors careers later this
evening.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice exit into the snowy outdoors.
HANK
Too bad they left. We could have
used fresh meat. That would have
been delicious.
IGOR
There they go, powerless and
unable to save themselves.
HANK
I believe you are right. They look
like the key market group for
next month’s awful movies.
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT OF ELM STREET - NIGHTFALL
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice stand in front a small sized modern suburban house.
The mailbox reads “Alice” with cross marks over the name “Alice.”
CAROL
This is the address.
TED
It is not scary at all.
Bob pulls out a brochure from a realtor’s box in front of the house.
Bob screams as loud as he can.
ALICE
What’s wrong?
BOB
They’re asking eight hundred thousand
for this tiny place! They are out of their
minds!
CAROL
Let’s go inside where it’s warm.
BOB
OK, but let me say upfront, for that
price, there better be an indoor sauna
and whirlpool.
INT. ELM STREET HOUSE RECREATION ROOM- NIGHT
Bob wears a bathing suit while sitting in the indoor whirlpool.
Ted wears a bathing suit sitting in the heated sauna next to the indoor whirlpool.
Carol sits on a pool chair next to Ted.
Alice still wears her same modest clothes.
BOB
You know, I might put a bid on this house.
ALICE
Before you do, we have to figure out why it
is that eighteen people have died in this
house.
TED
I think they died from too much paradise.
ALICE
I did consider that hypothesis but I ruled
it out. The odds of drowning in a whirlpool
after consuming copious amounts of
drugs and alcohol are too small to consider.
Something else is killing people in this
house.
CAROL
Alice, will you stop being all science-like
and relax. There is nothing to fear here.
Thunder roars. Lightning is seen outside. The house lighting goes out.
As seen through the door window, the ghostly image of ALICIA GHOSTLY, an evil looking person totally covered in white snow and icicles, appears momently down the road during the lighting flash.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice each see Alicia. Each of them scream.
Everything goes dark after the lighting strike.
A second later, there is a second lighting strike. The outdoors is illuminated momentarily by the second strike. Alicia is pressing her face against the door window.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice each scream at the sight of Alicia.
The lights come back on inside the house.
An eery screeching sound in heard.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice race towards each other and hug each other in fright as the screeching sound intensifies.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice view the mail slot on the door slowly opening as the screeching sound continues. The sound is from the mail slot opening.
Mail drops through the mail slot. A loud thud is heard when the mail hits the ground.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice scream at the sound of the thud.
Alice runs to the front door and opens it.
Alice speaks to Alicia.
ALICE
You’re the mail carrier?
ALICIA
Of course. Neither rain, storm, or
hail shall prevent me from my duties.
ALICE
But today is Sunday.
Alicia throws her mailbag onto the ground.
ALICIA
Crap. I could have stayed indoors
where it is warm.
Alicia picks up her mailbag.
Alicia walks away. Alicia talks to herself
ALICIA (cont’d)
Check your calendar, I tell myself.
No, don’t need to. Today has to
be Saturday, right? Yeah, well, if
you want Sunday delivery, I’d like
to see FedEx make it through this
crap storm. I’m out of here.
There is a lighting strike. For a second, everything turns completely white. When the white light is over, Alicia has disappeared.
ALICE
Where did she go?
TED
I don’t know. Maybe FedEx picked her
up.
CAROL
Well, it is getting late. Maybe we should
all get some sleep so we can be fresh
when someone tries to kill us.
TED
Carol and I will take the first bedroom
down the hall. In case we are about
to die, we should have one last bang.
CAROL
We will be loud. I hope we don’t
keep you up.
ALICE
Don’t worry. I don’t even know what
that sounds like. I will just think it
is normal dorm room noise.
Ted and Carol walks towards their bedroom.
Ted and Carol enter their bedroom.
BOB
It is normal dorm room noise.
ALICE
I will take the next bedroom. Bob,
you can take the one at the end of
the hall.
Bob walks towards his bedroom mumbling to himself.
BOB
How come every group of white
people have only one Black
friend? Ever think of befriending
two Black people so the two of
them can have some fun of
their own?
Bob exits into his room.
INT. TED AND CAROL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
CAROL
Let’s bang.
TED
Let’s do it.
Carol is behind a set of drums. Carol drums.
Ted is behind a set of drums. Ted drums.
INT. BOB’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bob’s bedroom walls are white.
Bob is on his bed mumbling to himself.
BOB
How hard is it for white people to
say, hey, let’s have a Black male
friend and also a foxy Black
female friend?
Bob closes his eyes.
Bob falls asleep.
FOXY WOMBAT, a sensuous naked Black woman with long green hair floats above Bob. Her hands are behind her back.
Bob views Foxy blurred as if he is dreaming.
FOXY
Oh, Bob, look who the white people
conjured from the dead.
Foxy opens her mouth to show her fangs.
Foxy brings her hands forward showing each finger has foot long sharp nails.
Foxy slashes her nails towards Bob’s throat.
Bob awakens, screams, and sits up in his bed. He is alone in the room.
Ted, Carol, and Alice runs into Bob’s bedroom.
Alice massages her neck with a vibrator.
ALICE
What happened?
BOB
Nothing. I just had a nightmare.
That is all. Everyone, just go
back to sleep.
Carol turns to Alice and looks at her vibrator.
CAROL
Is that what I think it is?
ALICE
It’s my neck massager.
CAROL
No, it isn’t.
ALICE
That’s what the box said.
CAROL
You know you can massage
other parts of your body with
it?
ALICE
You mean, like my arms?
Alice massages her arms with the vibrator.
CAROL
You know you’re going to
die a virgin, don’t you?
INT. TED’S AND CAROL’S BEDROOMS - NIGHT
Ted and Carol are naked in a bed.
CAROL
If I die before you do, I want you
to still sleep with my body.
TED
That would be...so...wrong.
CAROL
Oh, no, it’s not rape if I give
you prior consent.
There is a knocking noise on the window.
Ted and Carol huddle together in fright as they look out their window.
A vague image of a stick figure in the shape of a human head with a human hand tapping on the window appears. The tapping noise increases.
TED
Are you here to kill us, or are
you a peeping tom?
CAROL
If you are a peeping tom, are
you putting any pictures of us
on Twitter, and if so, what is
your Twitter account name?
A lighting strike illuminates the outside. A tree with branches that appear to be in the shape of a human head and human hand is illuminated.
The outdoors as seen through the window is totally dark.
TED
It is just a tree.
CAROL
But...there is no tree in the yard.
A lightning strike illuminates the outdoors. The lawn is bare of any trees.
TED
Maybe....we just imagined it.
CAROL
Or, maybe the tree ran away.
TED
You failed Biology, didn’t you?
INT. ALICE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Alice is asleep in her bed facing away from the window. Her vibrator lies on her neck.
SAMUEL OFSON, a burglar with a hood over his face, slowly open the window.
Alice’s awakens with her eyes wide open as she hears the increasing creaking of the window opening.
Samuel opens the window.
Samuel crawls through the window and enters the room.
Samuel’s footsteps can be heard.
Alice hides her head underneath her blankets.
ALICE
There are no such things as ghosts.
Samuel jumps with surprise.
SAMUEL
I thought this house was empty.
ALICE
You do not exist. You are a figment
of my imagination.
SAMUEL
That’s right. You are dreaming this.
Just go back to sleep. I am not here.
Samuel walks towards the television.
ALICE
You are not there.
SAMUEL
And while I am not here, I am
just going to take this TV.
Samuel lifts up the television and yanks the cords loose.
Samuel carries the television out the window.
INT. TED’S AND CAROL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ted is in bed with his eyes closed.
Carol sits up in bed shivering with fright.
Carol looks at the total darkness outside the window.
A lightning strike illuminates the outdoors. Samuel is seen running by carrying the television.
CAROL
Ted, now the branches on the
tree that isn’t there look like a
burglar stealing a TV.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Ted, Carol, Bob, and Alice enter in the night clothes. The hair on each stands straight up.
ALICE
Morning.
BOB
Morning.
TED
Morning.
CAROL
Morning.
ALICE
How did everyone sleep?
BOB
Fine. Like a baby.
CAROL
Me, too. I wet the bed.
TED
You mean that wasn’t sweat?
ALICE
We should get breakfast.
BOB
I’ll run back to the store.
Bob opens the door. The door is totally covered by snow. Snow falls into the house.
ALICE
Maybe we’ll see what is in
the refrigerator instead.
Alice opens the refrigerator door.
Alice removes a jar with a human hand inside the jar. Alice examines the jar.
BOB
Is...is that a real human hand?
Alice removes the hand from the jar.
Alice takes a bite of the hand. Alice chews and contemplates its taste.
ALICE
Yes, this is a real human hand.
Carol fights back nausea.
CAROL
How would you know what humans
taste like?
ALICE
People taste good. I had the
opportunity to try some, and I did.
Haven’t you ever tried cannibalism?
CAROL
No, I don’t smoke that stuff.
BOB
Who leaves a human hand in
a refrigerator?
ALICE
I know. It should be kept in
the freezer, unless it is meant
to be used soon.
BOB
Used as what?
ALICE
It could be a medical student
practicing, or a medical examiner
taking some work home, or a
psychotic killer of 18 people
left the hand behind.
TED
Now let’s be logical. Which of
those three scenarios is the most
likely one?
Bob is expressively upset.
BOB
I’m going with the psycho killer
theory.
HAN, a medical student wearing scrubs, walks in the front door.
HAN
Hi, I am Han. I rented this place
just before you and...oh, good, I
see you found my hand, I need
that for dissection practice.
Han grabs the hand from Alice,
ALICE
Here you go.
HAN
Ew. Who bite off part of my
hand?
ALICE
I did. It was delicious.
HAN
You know it was kept
in formaldehyde.
ALICE
No, I didn’t. I was trying to
place that flavor.
Han slowly walks away from Alice.
Han runs to the front door. Han exits.
Roberta enters. Roberta wears a medical examiner’s jacket and carries a book.
ROBERTA
Excuse me. I left a leg in the
freezer. I was here with Han
studying anatomies, if you
know what I mean.
Roberta holds up an Anatomy text book and winks.
Roberta walks towards the freezer.
Roberta opens the freezer.
CAROL
Did you leave a chicken leg?
Roberta pulls a frozen human leg from the freezer.
ROBERTA
No, a human leg.
TED
Are you going to autopsy the
leg?
ROBERTA
I have to. This is the only
piece of the deceased we
found.
CAROL
Where did you find it?
ROBERTA
Which one of you is staying
in the bedroom with the white walls?
BOB
I am.
ROBERTA
I find it in the room where you are.
BOB
My room?
ROBERTA
There was so much blood we had
to have the walls repainted.
BOB
What?
ROBERTA
Oh, and you probably will want to
use different bed sheets. Forgot
to change them. You see, after
death, bugs enter....
BOB
I don’t want to hear it!
ROBERTA
Well, bye everyone. I am off for
some literally cutting edge medicine.
Roberta turns and exits out the front door.
Spooky, swirling noises are heard.
A scary looking CLOWN enters the room
The clown walks to the freezer.
CLOWN
Excuse me, I left something
in the freezer.
The clown opens the freezer.
CLOWN (cont’d)
Oh, that’s right. I already
buried them
The clown turns to the others.
CLOWN (cont’d)
My bad. Resume as you were.
The clowns runs towards the front door and exits.
A scary, ghostly voice is heard.
GHOSTLY VOICE (o.s.)
You all are going to die...You
are all going to die...You will
never see the next iPhone.
Bob is panicked and fearful.
Ted, Carol, and Alice appear same as before.
BOB
Didn’t anyone else hear that?
ALICE
It was just the wind. Sometimes
wind noises sound like words.
TED
I can do the same thing when
I break wind.
Ted farts.
The fart noises last for several seconds. The fart noises begin to form words. The fart noises continue until the room explodes.
FART (o.s.)
You’re all going to die.
TED
Wow, I am more skillful than
I thought.
CAROL
Pee yew. I am lighting a match.
Carol takes matches out a pocket.
Carol strikes a match.
The air in the room explodes.
BOB
Ted, what did you eat?
Alice walks to a piece of luggage.
Alice removes scientific testing tools.
ALICE
OK. This will measure air
quality. This will measure
water quality.
BOB
How is that going to discover
a killer?
ALICE
I don’t know yet. I believe there
is a logical explanation for 18
deaths here. I’ll know it when
I see it.
Ted removes a tomato from the refrigerator.
Carol turns to Ted. Carol hugs Ted.
CAROL
How about a good morning kiss?
Ted and Carol kiss.
Carol lifts her arms. She has foot long nails.
Carol caresses Ted’s face.
Tomato juice, looking like blood, runs down Ted’s face.
Bob turns to Alice
BOB
You see that? Is that what you
will know when you see it?
Bob screams.
Ted and Carol break from their kissing and hugging.
TED
Bob, I’m sorry I took the last
tomato.
BOB
You’re face. It’s all bloody.
TED
I’m fine. It’s just tomato juice.
BOB
Look at Carol’s freakish long
fingernails.
CAROL
Oh, it’s a genetic thing. Had it
since childhood. I have to clip
my fingernails several times a
day.
BOB
Sorry, dude. I thought she tore
up your face.
CAROL
You should see his back.
ALICE
Bob, I need you to put air quality
sampling equipment in the basement.
BOB
Oh, sure, send the Black guy down into the
unknown to be killed first...
Bob grabs the air quality sample equipment.
Bob opens the stairs to the basement.
Bob walks down the stairs.
INT. BASEMENT. CONTINUOUS - MORNING
Bob walks to the bottom of the steps.
A cute while mouse runs up to Bob. The mouse stands on its hind legs and looks towards Bob.
BOB
Hello, cute little mouse. Did you come
inside from the nasty cold weather outside?
Hundreds of rats run into the basement. Many crawl over Bob’s shoes.
Rats run up Bob’s pants.
BOB (cont’d)
I hate rats! I hate rats!
Bob runs up the stairs leading out of the basement.
Hundreds of snakes drop from hanging on the basement ceiling and door to the first floor.
Bob turns away from the door and and runs down the stairs.
BOB (cont’d)
Choose rats over snakes. Hate snakes more.
A tiger crouches in the basement preparing to pounce on Bob.
Bob sees the tiger. Bob turns and runs up the stairs.
The tiger pounces towards Bob, just missing him.
BOB (cont’d)
I love snakes. I love snakes.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS. MORNING
Bob excitedly rushes to the others.
BOB (cont’d)
There’s a tiger in here.
Ted turns to Carol.
TED
I told you they could hear you last night.
Carol growls like a tiger.
CAROL
Growl.
Ted parks like a dog.
TED
Bark. Bark.
BOB
No, there is a real tiger, in the basement.
And snakes. And rats.
ALICE
That is highly unlikely. A tiger could not
survive in this basement.
BOB
Not unless it gets to eat us. Which I
think it wants to do.
Alice walks towards the stairways leading to the basement.
INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Alice walks down the steps. There is no sight of any rats, snakes, or the tiger.
The cute mouse run to Alice. The mouse stands up on his high legs in front of Alice.
ALICE
All clear, except for a cute moue.
BOB (o.s.)
That’s how it starts.
The cute mouse bares its fangs.
The mouse jumps and bites Alice on her neck.
Alice grabs the mouse. removes it from her neck, and holds onto lit.
Alice twists the mouse’s neck, killing it.
ALICE
I shall have to run an autopsy on this
mouse. Perhaps that will provide us a
clue.
BOB (o.s.)
Yes, that things in the basement want
me dead.
ALICE
No, there has to be more to this.
BOB (o.s.)
OK, things in the basement want us
all dead.
INT. ALICE’S ROOM - DAY
Alice dissects the mouse.
Bob watches Alice.
BOB
You know I faint at the sight of blood.
ALICE
That is not blood. Those are its
intestines.
Bob faints.
Alice does not realize Bob fainted.
Alice examines the mouse’s body.
ALICE
This was a female mouse. And
she was pregnant.
Alice turns away from the body. Alice examines her dissection tools pondering which to next use.
A miniature alien creature with sharp teeth and sharp claws is born from the dead mouse.
The alien creature uses its hands to crawl out of the mouse.
The alien rapidly scampers away off the table.
The alien runs down the table legs and onto the floor.
The alien scampers up Alice’s leg.
Alice does not feel nor react to the alien running up her leg.
The Alice runs underneath Alice’s dress. The slight bulge of the alien is seen as it runs up the dress. The slight bulge disappears near’s Alice’s crotch.
ALICE (cont’d)
Ohh, must be that time of month.
Alice walks to her luggage bag. Alice pulls out a tampon.
The dead mouse comes back to life. The dissection heals itself and the mouse is whole.
The mouse scampers away.
ALICE (cont’d)
Very funny. Who stole my mouse?
Carol enters the room carrying a computer mouse.
CAROL
I’m sorry. Is this yours?
INT. CAROL’S ROOM - DAY
Carol enters her room carrying the computer mouse.
Two twin girls dressed similarly stand in a corner.
The twins speak in unison.
TWINS
Would you like to play with us?
CAROL
Sure. What would you like to
play?
TWINS
Do you know how to play Bite
Ball?
CAROL
No. What’s that?
TWINS
That‘s where we bite your balls
off.
CAROL
You’re silly. I don’t have any
balls.
TWIN
We mean the balls of your
feet.
The twins move at light speed across the room. They are bent down, one biting the balls of Carol’s left foot and the other biting the balls of Carol’s right foot.
CAROL
No, I don’t want to play this
game. How do you even keep
score?
Carol screams.
Carol collapses to the ground as the twins bite the balls of her feet off.
Ted opens the door to Carol’s room.
The twins scamped off and vanish at light speed.
TED
What are you doing on the floor?
CAROL
I got my balls bitten off.
TED
You’re silly You don’t have
balls.
CAROL
Not anymore.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Bob paces around nervously.
Ted is worried.
Alice finishes wrapping Carol’s feet.
ALICE
There has to be a logical
explanation. I am sure we
are all just getting a
little over anxious.
BOB
You’d be over anxious if
a tiger pounced at you.
ALICE
You probably saw a
ferule cat and your mind
went astray.
BOB
I saw a tiger and my bowels
went astray
CAROL
There were twin girls who
attacked me.
Alice stands. Carol stands with her. Alice guides Carol towards Carol’s room.
ALICE
I will show you. There are no
twins.
Alice opens the door to Carol’s room.
Alice walks into Carol’s room.
Carol nervously walks into the room behind Alice.
Ted walks into the room after Carol.
Bob walks into the room after Ted.
INT. CAROL’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
The room is decorated with banners and pennants of the Minnesota Twins.
Alice looks at the room in amazement.
Carol looks at the room in horror.
CAROL
And how do you explain the bite
marks on my feet?
TED
Oh, that might have been me, I
got a little carried away last night.
ALICE
Now, what I want to know is:
who stole my dead mouse
BOB
What would anyone want with
a dead mouse?
TED
I find they are good in garlic
sauce.
Bob, Carol, and Alice look at Ted with disgust..
TED (cont’d)
What? It was a fraternity
initiation.
CAROL
I need someone to get to
the bottom of this.
TED
I already did. Three times
last night.
CAROL
Hush. That’s supposed to
be our private secret.
BOB
No, it wasn’t a private
secret. We heard you,
all three times. Actually,
four times, but I’m not
sure what you were
doing then.
ALICE
Maybe there is some
evidence in the attic. Bob,
check out the attic.
BOB
That’s right. Black guy always
dies fist, send the Black guy
in to the danger area first.
Get to the bottom by going
up to the attic. White people
never do make sense.
INT. ATTIC. DAY
Bob ducks bats flying around him.
Bob ducks bats and baseball bats flying around him.
A tall green ALIEN with a giant head and giant eyes walks up to Bob.
The alien points his finger towards Bob. The finger tip glows.
BOB
Wow! Are you from another planet?
Do you have advance intelligence?
ALIEN
Pull my finger.
BOB
Well, maybe not that advanced.
Bob pulls the alien’s finger.
The alien turns around and farts towards Bob. The fart smoke is visible.
Bob faints.
INT. SPACECRAFT - IN SPACE THERE IS NO DAY OR NIGHT
Bob awakens groggy.
Bob sees he is tied to an operating table. His skin is split open as various green ALIENS probe his organs.
A BLACK ALIEN sweeps the floor.
ALIEN
Dude, lay off off the cheeseburgers.
Bob screams.
ALIEN
Oh, and that Tiffany who said she is
disease free. Guess what. She isn’t.
An ALIEN removes Bob’s heart, liver, and spleen.
The alien juggles Bob’s heart, liver, and spleen.
The others aliens laugh.
Bob screams.
Bob passes out.
INT. ATTIC- DAY
Bob awakens while lying on the floor.
Bob takes off his shirt and sees operation scars.
Bob shouts towards the sky.
BOB (cont’d)
You know, there is a tiger here
you could have probed instead.
That’s right. Problem the Black
guy.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Bob enters from the attic steps.
BOB (cont’d)
You are not going to believe
what happened up there.
Ted, Carol, and Alice wear green face masks that look like the aliens.
Ted, Carol, and Alice turns towards Bob.
Bob jumps back and screams.
TED
Look at these neat masks we
found.
Carol hands Bob a black alien face mask.
BOB
You’re giving me the one black
mask? I wonder why.
Bob puts on the black alien face masks It falls apart as he puts it on.
BOB
Hey, your masks are better made.
Wow, even the damn aliens are
racists.
INT. TED’S ROOM - DAY
Ted nervously paces around his room.
Ted sees a light on his wall. The light swirls around and slowly forms into a ghastly face
A bloody HAND reaches from the floor.
The hand grabs Ted’s foot.
The hand quickly pulls Tim through the floor and into Heck.
EXT. HECK - WHO KNOWS IF IT IS DAY OR NIGHT
Santa Clause greets Ted.
SANTA
Welcome to Heck. I am Santa
Clause.
TED
Wait. I’m where? You’re who?
SANTA
I am Santa Clause. This is
Heck. I haven’t enough experience
yet through the ages to become a
Satan and be able to operate a
Hell.
TED
Santa, how can you be affiliated
with evil? I thought you were good.
SANTA
Good? You know my evil. Every
year, billions of children do not get
the gifts that I promised them. I
turn Christmas into the saddest
day of the year
TED
No, Santa is good. Good, I tell
you.
SANTA
Why do you think I keep lists of
who’s been naughty or nice?
Because I used the naughty list
for recruitment.
TED
I can’t believe what I am hearing.
SANTA
You remember that bicycle that
I promised you when you were
eight?
TED
Yeah.
SANTA
I stole it from your parents.
TED
What?
SANTA
You think there is a profit in
flying around the world leaving
presents? No, I go into houses
and steal presents. That’s where
the big money is.
Ted looks around.
TED
So, this is Heck? It’s not too
bad.
SANTA
That is because it is only
95 degrees here at the North
Pole Heck. Now let’s visit Heck
at the equator.
Santa snaps a finger.
The background changes to fiery red flames.
Ted sweats profusely.
SANTA
You know the worst part of
all this? You’re a teenager,
and you still believe in Santa
Clause.
The flames become more intense.
A terrorized and screaming Ted falls to his knees.
INT. TED’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Ted is on his knees screaming.
Carol walks into the room.
CAROL
What’s wrong
TED
I was with Santa Clause
CAROL
That’s frightening. My
parents took me to sit in
Santa’s lap, and I cried.
My parents said “You have
nothing to fear, this is Santa”.
I guess it is alright if Santa
sticks his finger up your butt.
TED
Look, there is something
seriously wrong with this
place.
A loud whooping noise is hear. It grows in intensity.
Ted and Caro hold their ears shut while rushing into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Alice runs from her room holding her ears shut.
Bob emerges from the bathroom.
BOB
Sorry. The toilet is clogged.
Ted, Carol, and Alice scream.
TED
Something is wrong here. But
I can’t place my finger on it.
CAROL
Santa could.
Alice leans over placing her hand on the wall.
The wall quickly opens.
A large white SHARK jumps after Alice.
Alice, Ted, Carol, and Bob run from the snapping shark.
The shark lies on the floor, gasping for water.
ALICE
We should be alright. The
shark can’t live long outside
water.
The shark lunges at Bob, just missing eating Bob.
BOB
Tell that to the shark.
Bob is pressed against the wall.
The shark, with mouth open, slides towards Bob.
The shark’s teeth surround Bob.
Bob cowers with fear.
BOB (cont’d)
White people, white shark. I
knew some whitey would
someday get me.
The shark dies.
ALICE
I told you.
TED
I’m hungry. Who’s us for
some shark sushi?
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Bob, Ted, and Carol eat sushi.
A large chunk is missing from the dead shark lying on the floor.
TED
Alice, you sure you won’t
have some?
ALICE
Consuming raw fish can be
hazardous to your health.
You know I avoid hazards.
BOB
Believe me, this is the least
hazardous thing we’ve done
all day.
The shark meat in the sushi moves off their plates and towards the shark.
The shark meat moves into the shark.
CAROL
Ah, this isn’t normal, is it?
The dead shark awakens and stands up, towering over the others.
SHARK
Where’s the rest of me?
TED
Ah, sorry about that. If its any
consolation, you’re delicious.
CAROL
Nah, I’ve had better.
BOB
Please don’t eat us.
SHARK
Did you know we sharks
don’t like the taste of humans?
ALICE
I knew that.
CAROL
Show off.
SHARK
Of course we don’t like
humans. We like aquatic life.
When we bite a human, it is
because you look like a turtle.
BOB
You thought I was a turtle?
Man, even sharks are racists.
SHARK
When we bite humans, you
taste so bad, we spit you out.
So, just to be clear, none of
you are turtles, right?
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice all shake their heads no.
SHARK (cont’d)
I’m outta here. I’m off to hunt
aquatic life.
TED
There’s a tiger downstairs.
SHARK
I said aquatic life, you moron.
The shark walks to the front door.
The shark opens the front door.
SHARK
Oh, and speaking of morons,
what idiots think we sharks
can fly in hurricanes eating
people?
The sharks steps outside. Snow blows off into a strong wind.
The shark flies around in the wind.
Bob runs to the front door and yells at the shark.
BOB
See who’s the moron now.
Bob shuts the front.
BOB (cont’d)
What could possibly happen next?
A scary CLOWN with whiteface, wild orange hair and a huge frown jumps in front of Bob.
BOB (cont’d)
You better not be a Black man
in whiteface.
CLOWN
Hi! Everybody loves a clown, right?
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice all appear frightened.
The clown looks at them menacingly.
CLOWN (cont’d)
I said…..right?
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice nod their heads affirmatively.
CLOWN (cont’d)
Look, I can make things out of
balloons.
The clown blows a balloon. He works with it until it looks like four headless teenagers holding their heads in their hands.
TED
Wow, I bet you had to study hard
to learn to do that.
ALICE
What do you want?
The clown looks at Carol.
CLOWN
I want to be loved.
CAROL
Awww.
CLOWN
Missionary style, doggie
style, reverse cowgirl…
CAROL
Ewww…missionary?
TED
Reverse cowgirl, what’s
that?
CAROL
That’s what you call our
third time last night.
TED
That has a name?
CLOWN
But does anyone ever love
a clown?
The clown stares menacingly at the others.
The others are too frightened to answer.
CLOWN
No!.
The clown walks to Alice.
CLOWN
Is it the make-up?
ALICE
You could tone it down
a bit.
CAROL
You could try my eyeliner.
CLOWN
Is it the hair?
TED
Bro, I love the hair. I’m getting
a haircut just like yours.
The clown walks to Bob.
CLOWN
Ia it because clowns hate Black
people?
BOB
I knew it.
The clown walks to Carol.
CLOWN
Is it because our penises are
too long?
CAROL
Actually, that can be a problem.
TED
How do you know that?
CAROL
Believe me, I’ve had longer than
yours.
The clown walks to Alice.
CLOWN
Is it because we kill teenagers.
ALICE
Actually, that does affect your
approval ratings.
CLOWN
Well, guess what I am going
to do to you teenagers…
The clown looks menacingly at the others.
ALICE?
What?
CLOWN
I’m going to leave absentee
ballots. I’m running for Congress.
TED
That’s ridiculous. Who ever
heard of a clown in Congress?
The clown gives each an an absentee ballot.
CLOWN
Please fill these out and send
them in before you die this
weekend.
The clown laughs hysterically while walking towards the front door
CLOWN
Send another clown to Congress!
The clown opens the front door.
The clown walks outside.
The shark, flying through the air, eats the clown,
Bob runs to the door. Bob shakes his fish at the shark.
BOB
Yeah, who’s the moron now?
TED
The joke is on that clown. I’m
not even registered to vote.
Bob closes the front door.
Carol walks to a food storage door.
Carol opens the food storage door.
CAROL
Oh, look. Cans of pea soup.
Alice quickly turns around and looks at Carol.
ALICE
That sure turned my head.
Carol opens a can of pea soup.
Carol drinks the can of pea soup.
ALICE (cont’d)
Ahh, I think you are supposed
to heat that first.
Bob picks up the empty can and reads it.
BOB
This soup expired several
decades ago. This soup was
a fresh name back when
Humpty Hump was a fresh
new name.
TED
Who?
BOB
Read some rap music history.
Carol levitates.
TED
Wow, that’s a wicked side
effect.
CAROL
I am evil.
TED
In bed, yes.
Carol’s head rotates completely around.
TED
Man, I have to try that
stuff.
Carol vomits pea soup around the entire room.
Bob, Ted, and Alice duck pea soup vomit.
Carol lowers to the floor.
CAROL
That was some trip.
BOB
Literally. You, like, flew.
ALICE
There has to be a logical
explanation.
BOB
There is. The devil was
inside her.
TED
Hey, doing that does not
make me the devil.
BOB
Not you, Satan.
Ted turns to Carol.
CAROL
Are you cheating on me?
ALICE
There must be a strong wind
that comes through here.
TED
And the head spinning?
CAROL
I credit that to yoga.
The deep dark voice of SATAN is heard through Carol’s moving lips.
SATAN (o.s.)
Yoga, and the power of
me, Satan.
Bob runs to a computer.
Bob furiously types on the computer.
BOB
There. I just became an Internet
ordained minister.
SATAN (o.s.)
No! Not that!
BOB
By the power of the Almighty,
I compel you to leave this
body.
CAROL
Just so we’re clear. You do
mean Satan, right?
BOB
Yes, Satan. Carol, you stay.
SATAN
Oh, OK. Well, its been fun.
See you all later…in Hell!
Oh and do drop by and
visit. It’ll be great to
reminisce.
Carol’s head jerks back.
CAROL
Wow, I am glad he’s no longer
inside me.
TED
You said last night you liked it.
CAROL
Not you, Satan.
TED
Who’s this Satan guy? How
long have you been seeing
him?
The voice of Satan is heard above.
All look upwards at the sound of Satan’s voice.
SATAN (o.s.)
Ted, you want to meet me?
Well, here I am.
Ted’s head jerks backwards.
TED
Hey, I just let a guy inside me.
And I kind of liked it.
CAROL
I told you you’re bi. You have
way too many male pro wrestling
posters.
TED
Hey, I admire the sport of it.
Even if it rigged and fake.
BOB
What? Pro wresting is fake?
Bob screams.
Ted floats through the air.
TED
When does my head spin?
Ted floats upside down.
Ted’s rapidly body spins around.
TED
Stop! I do not consent! I’m
being assaulted by Satan!
Bob runs to Ted.
BOB
By the power of the Almighty,
I compel you to leave this
body. Oh, and so we’re clear,
I mean you, Satan.
Ted stops spinning.
Ted falls to the ground. His head hits the ground before the rest of his body.
TED
I’m OK. I only hit my head.
Bob’s head jerks back.
BOB
Oh, no. Satan is making me
his bitch.
The voice of Satan is heard through Bob’s moving lips.
SATAN (O.SO
What kind of body is that? Bob,
you are one demented pervert.
Bob’s head jerks forward.
BOB
So, Satan can’t stand living
inside the hood.
Alice’s head jerks back.
ALICE
Satan is inside me. No one
worry. I have this under control.
Don’t be gentle, Satan. Touch
me like I’ve never been touched
before, because, well, I haven’t
been touched before.
Alice’s head jerks forward.
The toaster on a counter glows strongly.
The voice of Satan is heard through the toaster.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice look at the toaster.
SATAN (o.s.)
It’s me, Satan. I escaped to
the toaster. Seriously, the four
of you need help. None of you
are going to make it to Heaven,
yet I’m not letting you into Hell,
either. I do not need the
competition.
The toaster pops up with burnt toast on fire.
Ted looks at the toaster.
TED
And that was the”light” setting.
ALICE
This can all be explained
logically. We’re all anxious. We
had a group panic attack. We
imagined the devil. We are now
all fine.
Alice turns away from the others.
Bob, Ted, and Carol stare at the forked devil’s tail emerging from Alice.
BOB
Alice, your butt.
ALICE
Why, thank you. I thought you
never noticed.
Bob whispers to Alice.
BOB
You have a devil’s butt.
ALICE
I know. It is hot, isn’t it?
BOB
Not your butt. Your tail.
Alice pushes her tail inside her skirt.
ALICE
I was born with a tail.
The doctors wanted to
cut it off at birth, yet
my parents thought it
would make a nice
conversation piece.
BOB
You must have had lots
of interesting conversations.
ALICE
No, I haven’t.
CAROL
I can believe that.
TED
Alice, it time you get your
cherry popped. I know
just who should do it.
ALICE
But, Ted, Carol is standing
right there.
TED
Not me, Carol.
CAROL
What?
TED
It would be fun to see some
girl on girl action.
BOB
That’s right. Don’t even
think of the Black guy
standing right here.
ALICE
I will choose to lose my
virginity when I choose.
It will be after I am married,
and only then we will have
sex through a hole in a blanket
so we won’t be able to see
each other’s partially clothed
bodies.
CAROL
You’re going to die a virgin,
even if you do have sex.
Ted finds a guillotine.
Ted carries the guillotine to the others.
TED
Hey, look what I found. A
vegetable slicer.
BOB
Maybe if you are the golly
green giant.
ALICE
That’s not a vegetable
slicer. That’s a guillotine.
TED
A what? What’s it used for?
ALICE
It is used to chop off heads.
TED
You mean, like, heads of
lettuce?
ALICE
No, human heads.
TED
What would anyone want a
human head with their
vegetables?
ALICE
People are tasty.
BOB
Maybe it was used to kill
some of the 18 people who
died here.
ALICE
None of the victims had
their heads chopped off.
BOB
Maybe the killer wants
a variety in killing methods.
PIERRE, a man dressed in a short bathrobe, walks into the room.
PIERRE
So there is my guillotine.
BOB
Who are you? Where y’all keep
coming from?
PIERRE
I am Pierre.
CAROL
Nice robe.
Carol playfully flicks up the back of the robe.
TED
Hey, leave the robed Pierre
alone.
ALICE
Pierre, why do you have
a guillotine?
PIERRE
It’s a family heirloom. My
family for many generations
have been in the debt
collection business. If you
don’t pay, we use the guillotine.
TED
You cut their heads off?
PIERRE
No, we would steal their
farmed goods. This is used
for cutting vegetables.
TED
I thought so.
PIERRE
And if you still didn’t pay,
we’d use this to cut off
penises. We often have the
highest debt collection rates.
BOB
What are you doing in this
house?
PIERRE
I live down the road. I use
the shower here.
ALICE
You walked through a snow
storm in a short robe to use
your neighbor’s shower?
PIERRE
Yes, They keep better conditioner
here.
BOB
Why are you carrying a guillotine?
PIERRE
I open bags of potato chips with it.
It’s the only thing that gets those
bags open. I also use it to scare
off dogs.
BOB
How does this scare off dogs?
PIERRE
You neuter one dog, word gets
around.
INT. SHOWER - DAY
Pierre showers.
A shadow figure of a woman holding a bottle of conditioner, looking like a knife , appears behind the shower curtain.
Pierre does not see the shadow of the woman.
Carol rapidly draws back the shower curtain.
Pierre screams.
Carol quickly brings forward a conditioner bottle held in her hand.
Pierre looks at the conditioner bottle screams.
PIERRE
That’s a generic conditioner.
Pierre feels faint.
Pierre slams into the shower wall.
Pierre slowly slides down the shower wall.
Conditioner runs down the drain.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Pierre wearing his robe drags the guillotine towards the front door.
A gun looking like an erect penis appears underneath Pierre’s robe.
CAROL
Is that a gun, or are you
happy to see me?
Pierre reaches into his robe.
Pierre removes the pistol from his robe.
PIERRE
It’s a gun.
BOB
How do you keep a gun there?
ALICE
You know, sometimes at band
camp, I would go to the shooting
range and fire my gun.
CAROL
You had a gun range at your band
camp?
ALICE
We were the rough bunk.
Sometimes I would fire my gun
until it got really hot. And then I
would shove the gun into my
vagina.
CAROL
Wow. Suddenly the virgin has a
freaky side.
PIERRE
Well, see you all later. That is,
if you’re still alive.
Pierre struggles getting the guillotine out the door. Pierre holds the guillotine with one hand in the cutting zone.
The guillotine falls and slices off Pierre’s hand.
PIERRE (cont’d)
I hate when that happens.
Ted picks up Pierre’s hand
Ted hands the hand to Pierre.
TED
Here, let me give you a hand.
PIERRE
Merci.
TED
Yeah, sometimes Carol gets
so rough I have to mercy.
Pierre opens the front door.
Pierre walks outside into the windy snow storm.
The wind blows up Pierre’s robe.
CAROL
I see London. I see France. I
don’t see any underpants.
EARL, a man holding a chain saw, enters the room.
EARL
Howdy. I’m here to cut down
some trees.
BOB
In a snow storm?
ALICE
This yard doesn’t have any
trees.
EARL
Is there anyone…I mean,
anything else you want
cut up?
BOB
How do you all keep getting
in ere?
EARL
You left a side window
open. I came in the
window.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice look at each other accepting this explanation as usual.
TED
You ever kill anyone with
that? Like maybe 18
teenagers?
EARL
Why? Do you know someone
who deserves dying?
TED
Well, there is a flying talking
shark…
EARL
I can make you squeal like a
pig.
TED
By using that chain saw?
EARL
No, I teach Acting classes.
ALICE
I don’t believe we will be
needing your pig squealing
services. You should be on
your way.
EARL
Alrighty. I’ll be in the barn
behind this house…doing
some butchery. If anyone
of you want to see me
butcher, y’all come back
there, heah?
TED
If we do go to the barn,
we should carefully plan
to go there one at a time.
And if no one comes back,
we keep going back, one at
a time.
ALICE
That sounds logical.
EARL
Come back and we can talk
politics. Believe me, I can
out debate anyone. You won’t
have a leg to stand on.
Earl walks to the front door.
Earl opens the front door and looks at a thick snow storm.
Earl starts the chain saw operating.
Earl cuts an exit through the snow.
Earl exits.
Earl closes the door.
There is a knock at the front door.
Ted opens the front door.
WAYNE, a man wearing a hockey goalie mask and holding a hockey stick, enters.
WAYNE
I’m going door to door raising
money for the local hockey
team. We also support the
underground railroad for cattle
liberated by animal activists.
TED
Why are you wearing a hockey
mask?
WAYNE
In this snow? I should wear a
catcher’s mask?
CAROL
Doesn’t that mask scare
people?
WAYNE
Only the opposing team. I can
make grown men cry.
Wayne slashes his hockey stick in the air.
BOB
I’d like to donate, but I
already gave at the office.
Wayne slashes his hockey stick near Bob, just missing him.
WAYNE
That’s a lie. We don’t collect
funds in offices.
BOB
Maybe it was another hockey
team.
WAYNE
You gave money to a rival team?
BOB
I don’t know. You all look alike.
WAYNE
You know how you can tell if
it is my team?
BOB
No.
WAYNE
My team is the one that will
shove a hockey stick down
your throat.
TED
That’s unsporting conduct.
WAYNE
I lead our league in penalty
minutes…for slashing.
Wayne slashes his hockey stick.
BOB
Come to think of it, it was a
badminton team I donated
to.
Alice pick up the toaster.
ALICE
We’d like to donate this
toaster.
WAYNE
Toaster? What am I supposed
to do with a toaster?
ALICE
When your opponents are
practicing, you turn up the
heat, melt the ice, and then
you throw the plugged in
toaster onto the melted ice
and you electrocute them.
WAYNE
Nah, that would be too
many penalty minutes.
Wayne exits through the front door.
A COW flies into the room.
The cow flies around the room.
CAROL
Look, we have cows.
TED
Nobody moooove.
ALICE
How did that get in here?
BOB
We need to shut that open
window.
ALICE
This house has very serious
air circulation problems.
TED
Maybe the cow is searching
for the cattle underground
railroad.
CAROL
This must be a twister.
The board game Twister flies around the room.
The Twister mat flies underneath the cow.
Ted grabs the Twister spinning board.
Ted spins the spinner on the board.
TED
Right hind leg red.
The cow places his right hind leg onto a red circle on the Twister mat.
TED (cont’d)
Left front leg yellow.
The cow tries to place his left front leg onto a yellow circle. The leg can’t reach the yellow circle.
The cow trips over himself in midair.
The cow falls to the ground.
The twisting wind stops.
BOB
I guess that is that.
The cow stands up, looks at Bob’s shirt, snorts, and kicks a front leg back preparing to charge towards Bob.
BOB (cont’d)
Oh, yeah, charge after the man
wearing the red shirt.
ALICE
That’s a myth. Cows can’t
distinguish the color red.
BOB
Great. So the cow picks to
charge a Black man.
The cow charges towards Bob.
Bob rips off his shirt.
Bob waves the shirt beside him.
The cow runs through the shirt, missing Bob.
Ted grabs the toaster.
Ted throws the toaster onto the cow.
The cow is electrocuted.
The cow drops dead.
TED
We’ve having hamburgers
tonight.
CAROL
Could you make mine a
veggie burger?
TED
What part of the cow do
you use to make a veggie
burger?
ALICE
Actually, if you cut into
the cud…ah, never mind.
BOB
If you cut into the bowels,
do you get fast food burgers?
Ted drags the the cow away with just his right hand.
ALICE
Ted, you have a strong right
hand.
CAROL
He does. He exercises it
at least seven times a day.
A TERRORIST jumps into the room waving a sword.
BOB
We really have got to
shut that window.
TERRORIST
I am a terrorist. I am
here to kill you all. If I
die, I get a virgin.
ALICE
I’m a virgin.
The terrorist looks Alice up and down.
The terrorist drops his sword.
TERRORIST
I’m out.
The terrorist leaves the room.
NORM, a man, enters the room carrying the mummified remains of an elderly woman, NORM’S MOTHER..
NORM
Hi, I’m Norm.
BOB, TED, CAROL, ALICE (in unison)
NORM!
NORM
And this is my mother.
ALICE
Ahh, you do know your
mother is, ah, maybe a
little under the weather.
NORM
I know. The cold weather
changes her complexion
BOB
I think the cold weather
has taken her out.
NORM
Oh, I take her out all
the time.
ALICE
What brings you here?
NORM
I was wondering if you
had any large rugs.
ALICE
Rugs?
NORM
I have some people…
I mean, things, I’d like
to roll them up with
Norm points at Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice while counting.
NORM (cont’d)
I’ll need four rugs.
TED
When do you need them?
NORM
There is no rush I won’t
need them until after you’re
gone.
TED
Sorry. Hardwood floors. No
rugs.
NORM
What a shame. Maybe
mother has some sleeping
bags around. You could sleep
forever in them.
Norm turns to leave.
BOB
Well, bye Norm, and bye, Norm’s
mother.
NORM
Bye.
Norm’s mother’s head turns around so it faces the others.
NORM’S MOTHER
It was nice meeting you.
Norm and Norm’s mother exit.
CAROL
Norm’s mother needs better make-up.
TED
Maybe it is me, but has anyone
noticed things are strange here?
A wolf’s howling is heard.
Alice goes to the front door.
Alice opens the front door.
ALICE
Look, its a cute dog.
The WOLF bares his fangs and growls at Alice.
ALICE (cont’d)
And he wants to play.
He looks cold in the snow.
I’m letting him in.
The wolf enters the room.
The wolf transforms into PEPPER, a hairy human.
PEPPER
Hi, I’m Pepper. I’m a
werewolf.
TED
Bad doggy, bad.
PEPPER
Don’t worry. You are
perfectly safe. I only kill
during full moons There
won’t be another full moon
for several hours.
TED
You kill someone, and I’m
rubbing your nose in it.
PEPPER
How medieval of you.
BOB
Maybe we should put a leash
and collar on Pepper.
Ted speaks to Carol.
TED
Just like you did to me last
night.
Pepper smells the dead cow in the air. Pepper is excited.
PEPPER
I smell a dead cow.
Pepper runs to the room where the dead cow is.
Ted runs after Pepper and looks into the room.
TED
Bad Pepper, bad. Wow! I
don’t believe it! Pepper just
ate the whole cow in three
gulps.
Pepper enters the room with a massively bloated stomach.
PEPPER
Well, I’m full. I can't eat
another bite. Well, that means
the four of you are safe
tonight.
Pepper sits on a chair.
ALICE
After that, you should go for
a walk. Go for a walk?
PEPPER
Nah, I know of like it here.
Alice grabs a ball from a counter.
ALICE
Look at what I have here.
A ball
Pepper stands up excited.
PEPPER
A ball? I want the ball.
ALICE
Open the door.
Bob opens the front door.
Alice throws the ball outside.
Pepper runs after the ball and runs outside.
Bob slams the door shut.
TED
You owe me a ball.
CAROL
Ted, she’s a virgin.
A knocking noise is heard by all at the front door.
Ted answers the front door.
A COUNT dressed as a caped vampire at at the door.
TED
Let me guess. You’re
collecting for the blood
drive.
COUNT
How did you guess?
The Count enters the room.
COUNT (cont’d)
Permit me to introduce
myself. I am Count
Strawberry.
TED
Strawberry? I thought
you were…like…
more into chocolate.
COUNT
I would be, but there were
copyright infringement issues.
ALICE
Sorry, none of us can donate
to your blood driver. We all
have HIV,
CAROL
No you don’t. You’re a
virgin.
ALICE
I…ahh…caught it from
a toilet seat.
CAROL
You don’t get HIV from a
toilet seat.
ALICE
You can, if you shove the
entire toilet seat up your…
CAROL
Don’t tell us.
ALICE
It’s difficult to do when you
already have a gun in
there.
TED
Why do they call you a
Count, instead of, say,
a Subtract?
COUNT
It is a title given to
noble men.
TED
How did you get to be a
Count?
COUNT
Campaign contributions.
CAROL
Do you have fangs?
COUNT
Yes, I do.
The count opens his mouth and shows off his fangs.
TED
Dude, you must leave fancy
hickys.
ALICE
I like your cape. Were did you
get it?
COUNT
Canaveral.
Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice appear confused.
COUNT
Oh, come on. You’ll get it
in the middle of the night.
TED
Do you, like, turn into a bat?
COUNT
That is a myth perpetuated
by the media. I turn into a
bluebird.
The count turns into a bluebird. The bluebird flies around the room, diving at the four.
The bluebird flies into a window.
The bluebird falls to the ground dead.
CAROL
What a tragic waste of
bird life.
ALICE
Oh, I should tell you, I don’t
have HIV. I always place a
condom on the toilet seat…
and the gun.
There is a knock on the door.
TED
There are way too many
people outside in this
blizzard.
Ted opens the front door.
A HUNCHBACK stands outside.
TED
Are you the hunchback of
Notre Dame?
The Hunchback enters the room.
The Hunchback removes his jacket. The Hunchback is wearing a UCLA sweater.
HUNCHBACK
No, I’m the Hunchback of
UCLA.
ALICE
What brings you here?
HUNCHBACK
I have a work order to pump
your sewer.
ALICE
Is this weather?
HUNCHBACK
Listen, do you want frozen
poop all over your front lawn?
TED
Actually, that might be kind
of rad.
CAROL
How long have you been a
hunchback?
The Hunchback stands up straight.
HUNCHBACK
Oh, I’m not a hunchback. I
bend over a lot to play
video games.
The Hunchback pulls out a game box.
HUNCHBACK
I’m on level 386.
TED
386? I thought there were
only 385 levels.
HUNCHBACK
They want you to think that.
You need to make a secret
deal to reach level 386.
TED
How secret deal?
HUNCHBACK
You have to give me your
first born.
TED
Done.
CAROL
TED!
TED
We can have lots of
children. There is only
one level 386.
CAROL
Oh, OK then.
ALICE
You can have my first
born.
HUNCHBACK
That’s an empty promise.
The Hunchback walks to the front door.
HUNCHBACK (cont’d)
I am off to pretend i can pump
a septic tank in the middle of
a blizzard.
TED
Wow, you get all the fun.
HUNCHBANK
Don’t let the septic fumes
get in here and kill you.
.
The Hunchback leaves through the front door.
The Hunchback closes the front door.
A knocking noise is heard at the front door.
Ted opens the front door.
TED
Look, its the Invisible Man.
ALICE
How can you see him?
Nothing is visible.
TED
Of course he’s invisible.
That’s how I can see he’s
the Invisible Man.
VINCE (o.s.)
You caught me. I’m Vince,
the Invisible Man. Here,
I’ll put something on so
you can see me.
A pair of white underwear is seen picked off the floor and risen up a leg and onto VINCE.
ALICE
What brings you here?
VINCE
Oh, I’m here a lot. Oh, by the way,
Ted and Carol, you were great
last night. I filmed some video.
It already has over one million
hits on my website.
CAROL
You watched us?
VINCE
Yes, along with people in 39
countries. Have you two
considered doing porn full
time?
TED
May I get a tape?
VINCE
Sure. And could you autograph
some for our mail orders?
TED
Cool.
VINCE
I personally loved your stuff
with the leash and then the
gas masks.
CAROL
I think this is awful. May we
have some privacy?
VINCE
Not anymore.
TED
You know,, we could sue.
VINCE
OK, I’ll see if Sue is available
for a threesome video.
ALICE
Vince, your being invisible
defies the laws of Physics.
VINCE
There is much about the
laws of Physics you
Earthlings have yet to
understand.
ALICE
Are you not from Earth?
VINCE
Of course not. I am from
Los Angeles. There are
lots of people from other
planets, I mean, from
Transylvania there.
ALICE
So what brings you here?
VINCE
Oh, I locked myself out.
You know it is cold out
there when you have
nothing on.
Vince removes his underpants.
ALICE
Are you leaving?
VINCE
No. I’ll be around.
Vince flicks the underpants onto Alice’s face.
CAROL
I bet that’s a first for you.
Alice quickly throws the underpants onto the floor.
TED
Ah, look, I can’t see Vince
again.
CAROL
Millions of people watching us
have sex. Do you know what
that means?
TED
Yes, we need to get some
money from product placement.
There is a knocking noise at the front door.
TED (cont’d)
Seriously, don’t people stay
indoors during snow storms?
An INSURANCE AGENT stands at the door.
INSURANCE AGENT
Hello.I am here to tell you the
benefits of term life insurance.
Ted pulls out a gun.
Ted shoots the insurance sales agent.
The insurance agent falls dead.
Ted slams the door shut.
TED
It had to be done.
Bob, Carol, and Alice nod in agreement.
There is a knock on the front door.
Ted opens the front door.
The SIDEHILL strangler stands at the door
SIDEHILL
Excuse me, but do you know you
have a dead body at your doorstop?
TED
Yes, it was an insurance sales
representative.
SIDEHILL
He was dead already.
ALICE
Excuse me, but you look
familiar.
SIDEHILL
I’ve been on television a lot.
The police keep listing me as
the prime suspect as being the
Sidehill Strangler. Yet I’ve
done a great job destroying
all the evidence. I mean, they
can’t find the evidence.
TED
Well, in that case, won’t you
come in and warm up?
The Sidehill Strangler walks into the room.
Ted closes the front door.
SIDEHILL
Thank you. Oh, and when
the police find the dead body
on your doorstep, would you
tell them the Hillside Strangler
did it? I’ve been on a dry spell
for awhile and I need to keep
my numbers up.
ALICE
If you’re the Sidehill Strangler,
how are you going to avoid that
we can call the police and give
them your description?
SIDEHILL
Oh, that’s because, after you
call the police, I am going to
then kill all four of you.
Ted takes out his gun.
Ted shoots the Sidehill Strangler dead.
TED
I tell you, this shooting people
gets monotonous.
The front door creakily opens.
The Wicked WITCH of the Middle East enters flying on a brown broomstick and wearing a black vest filled with bombs.
ALICE
We need to lock that door.
WITCH
Hello, my semi-precious. I am
the Wicked Witch of the Middle
East.
Alice grabs a water bottle.
Alice sprays the Witch with water.
WITCH
No, I’m not going to melt.
Plus, why did you try to kill me
before you ascertain if I am a good
witch or bad witch?
ALICE
Sorry, you’re right. Are you a good
witch or a bad witch?
WITCH
A bad witch. Still, next time, wait
until you know for certain. My sister
was a good witch and they burned
her at the stake Just because we
place curses on people some get
overly excited about our work.
The toads. Oh, they now are toads.
I have a toad curse.
TED
How do you tell the difference
between a good witch and a bad
witch.
WITCH
A good witch will give you a
nice hug and a kiss.
CAROL
Hey, he's mine.
WITCH
A bad witch does this.
The Witch pulls out a wand and points it towards Ted.
A lightning bolt shoots out of the wand and hits Ted.
Ted is zapped.
Ted falls to the ground, smoldering with smoke.
Ted sits up
TED
Cool. Do that again.
WITCH
You’re not supposed to like
it.
CAROL
Oh, he does.
VINCE (o.s.)
And I’ve got the video to prove
it.
Ted stands up.
TED
You’re a good witch.
Bob inspects the Witch’s broom.
BOB
That’s a cool broom.
WITCH
Yeah, I’ve seen your house.
You should get a broom.
ALICE
What is the power source for
this broom?
WITCH
I…don’t know. You just take
the driver’s ed class, pass
the test, and they give you
a broom.
ALICE
There is no seat belt. How
do you not fall off?
WITCH
They teach you that in
driver’s ed.
BOB
How fast can it go?
WITCH
I don’t know. Fast. It doesn’t
come with a speedometer.
BOB
Does it have a GPS?
WITCH
Do you see a GPS?
BOB
How do you get to where
you are going?
WITCH
How does anyone know to
get to where they’re going?
People got to places before
GPS.
BOB
Do you have problems with
bird strikes?
WITCH
No. You learn about that in
driver’s ed.
TED
When you are flying, does a
bird above you ever crap on
you?
WITCH
Yes, but very rarely. Seriously,
what is it with all these questions?
TED
It’s not everyday a witch with a
broomstick and a groovy wand
flies into your room.
CAROL
Do brooms come in just this
color, or could I order one in,
say, pink.
WITCH
No one in the history of witchcraft
has ever asked that question.
CAROL
Well, someone should. I think
it would look great bedazzled.
TED
Or maybe painted with red
racing stripes.
CAROL
A purple broomstick would be
stylish.
BOB
How about black? Any witch
ever have a black broomstick?
WITCH
They only come in brown.
CAROL
And that black dress. It could
use some yellow stripes. Yellow
pumps would look great on you
WITCH
The dresses come only in
black.
BOB
Now we’re talking.
CAROL
Who does your hair? You
should try highlights.
WITCH
Enough questions. I can’t
take anymore. I’m out of here.
The Witch flies her broom into the window.
The Witch falls forward and hits her head on the window.
The Witch falls to the ground dead.
TED
They should teach about that
in driver’s ed.
ALICE
We should put some decals
on that window.
Carol grabs the broomstick
CAROL
I’m painting this baby purple.
Carol jumps on the broomstick.
The broomstick flies Carol around the room, diving and missing Ted, Bob and Alice, knocking down chairs, cabinets, and shelves.
Carol jumps off the broomstick.
The broomstick flies away.
TED
Aw, I wanted to paint red racing
stripes on it.
Alice looks at the dead bodies on the floor.
ALICE
We’re building quite a bit of
a body count here. The
paperwork will be enormous.
Now, everyone, we need to
keep our stories straight. The
Sidehill Strangler shot the
insurance sales representative,
the witch shot the strangler,
and then she committed suicide.
CAROL
Got it. The witch shot the insurance
sales representative who then
committed suicide and then she
shot the strangler.
ALICE
On second thought, how about we
all say none of us saw anything.
TED
Good, that’s easy to remember.
Except I may let it slip I saw
the invisible man.
ALICE
No one saw nothing, got it?
TED
I certainly did.
BOB
I won’t tell on a brother
and two sisters. I remember
nothing.
CAROL
Remember what?
ALICE
Exactly.
CAROL
Got it. Someone named
Exactly killed them all.
BOB
It doesn’t matter. In the end,
they’re going to blame the
Black guy.
TED
Is it all about race to you?
BLACK
When you’re Black, you learn
it is all about race.
ALICE
We need to focus on what killed
the 18 other people.
BOB
Gee, if we only had a clue. Anyone?
Anyone?
TED
No, I saw nothing.
CAROL
Maybe it was Exactly.
ALICE
I believe this can all be explained
logically.
Alice picks up her air quality machine.
ALICE (cont’d)
I see from this air quality reading
that the air is making us delusional.
I conclude that none of this happened.
Carol looks at a sword hanging from the wall.
Carol reaches for the sword.
The sword falls, bounces off the wall, and slices off Carol’s head.
Alice rushes to Carol’s body.
Alice listens to Carol’s chest.
ALICE (cont’d)
Carol is fine. Her heart is still beating.
BOB
She is not fine. Her body is there, and
her head is there. She is an ex-living
being.
ALICE
It could be the old severed head trick.
BOB
No one survives a trick where the
head is removed from the body.
ALICE
Bob, you’re right. Yet there still is a
logical explanation.
BOB
What’s that?
ALICE
Ted and I are secretly dating.
TED
She’s not really a virgin
ALICE
We discovered that you and Carol
were having an affair.
TED
Which drew me into the arms of
Alice.
ALICE
We decided to get our revenge
by tricking the two of you to
this mysterious murder house
in order to kill you both.
BOB
So, you killed Carol?
TED
No, that really was an accident.
ALICE
If it is any consolation, the Black
man did not die first.
Ted removes his gun.
Ted aims his gun and shoots Bob.
Bob collapses to the floor.
Ted runs to Alice
Ted and Alice embrace lovingly.
ALICE
Now we are free to be together.
TED
Just one question. Who killed
the 18 teenagers?
Michael Myers enters from the front door holding a gun.
MICHAEL
That’s an easy answer. I killed
all 18 teenagers. They shoplift
from me, I kill them. And now I
am going to kill you.
Michael fires the gun at Alice and then Ted.
Alice falls dead.
Ted falls dead.
Michael laughs hysterically joyously.
Michael is startled as a spear goes through him.
Michael collapses dead.
Carol is holding the spear and lets go of the spear as Michael falls.
CAROL
Fell for the old seve head
trick.
Carol laughs hysterically joyously.
Carol is startled as a spear goes through her.
Ted is holding the spear and lets go of the spear as Carol falls.
TED
It was only a flesh wound.
I get my revenge after all.
Ted laughs hysterically joyously.
Ted is startled as a spear goes through him.
Bob is holding the spear and lets go of the spear as Ted falls.
BOB
Mine was only a flesh wound,
too.
Bob turns around and shoots Alice holding a spear over him.
Alice falls dead.
BOB (cont’d)
It is about time someone Black
is the final survivor.
Bob laughs hysterically joyously.
Bob is startled as a spear goes through him
A BLACK ALIEN is holding a spear and lets go of the spear as Bob falls.
BLACL ALIEN
I agree.
The black alien laughs hysterically joyously.
FADE OUT
